The last few weeks, I’ve been finding it really hard to talk to God.

I’m still doing it, for an hour a day, but I can’t remember a time when doing hitbodedut was coming so hard.

Not even in the middle of a lot of tremendous suffering, on the personal level, have I found it this hard, for this long, to talk to God.

Usually when this happens, I know why:

I’m angry at Him.

And when you’re angry at someone, it’s hard to speak to them.

====

This morning, I was trying to drill down a bit more, to figure out what, exactly, I’m angry about.

Because honestly?

My own life is about the best it’s ever been right now, on so many levels.

And yet I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning, and I’m struggling to cook, and I’m struggling to do anything except really just stay in my pyjamas and hibernate. I’m acting as though I’m depressed – although I don’t feel depressed, and believe me, I spent enough time in my life feeling depressed to be able to make that distinction.

So, what’s going on?

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That’s what I was trying to figure out this morning.

And here’s kind of where I got to.

I think I have a very big case of serious yeoush about what’s going on. Yeoush means despair, for those who don’t speak Hebrew.

I think everyone has their own personal package of yeoush going on right now, but for me, it’s based around the feeling I have that no-one really wants to hear what I have to say.

That kind of got underlined with this whole Covid plandemic.

I’ve spent hours and hours and hours carefully researching things, carefully piecing information together, carefully writing posts here, to try to warn people that things really may not be as they seem, and to encourage them to think for themselves.

But most people really just don’t want to hear.

====

And then, once I realised that, I also realised that this is kind of the story of my life.

Last week, I unexpectedly ended up in Caesarea with my husband. Long story short, he really needed the toilet, and we knew where there were public bathrooms in Caesarea, so that’s where we headed.

Our best friends used to live in Caesarea, so we know the place really well. But we haven’t been back for a couple of years, because our former best friends went through a truly awful divorce, and the place is now synonymous (for me…) with a lot of sadness and heartache.

For years, I was begging my friend to start really praying about her husband’s bad middot. For years, I was having discussions with the husband himself, about things that needed some attention – not least, his very unhealthy relationship with his parents.

I wrote about that HERE.

Long story short, his parents basically ruined his marriage, and then her parents basically ruined the divorce.

====

How different things could have been, if they’d both been talking to God and working on their bad middot, and going to Uman, and trying to learn more of Rebbe Nachman’s advice.

Instead, where that family used to be there is now a jagged crater.

And if I’m still feeling it so hard, a couple of years after it imploded, I can’t imagine how my friends and their children must be feeling about it all.

====

Two days ago, I gave a lift to someone who has cancer.

She was moving out of Jerusalem for 3 months, to go somewhere for treatment, and needed a ride. In the car, she was telling me a bit of her life story.

She’s a baal teshuva, married to another baal teshuva, but now in the process of trying to disentangle herself. She’s been married for two decades to a man addicted to alcohol and drugs, who has a massive anger issues.

For 20 years, she was trying to make that marriage work, but now her body is breaking down from the stress, and she can’t do it anymore.

She was telling me about her amazing ‘Rav’, who her husband is close to – and I secretly found myself getting annoyed.

What, this guy couldn’t tell her husband that his bad middot was destroying his marriage and his kids? This guy couldn’t tell the husband he needs to be doing an hour a day of talking to God? That he needs to take responsibility for his anger, instead of pretending like it’s no big deal?!

Most of all, I was upset about all these ‘rabbis’ out there who are keeping people away from the light of the Rav, Rabbi Berland.

Because I know from myself, that so many of my issues only started to resolve themselves when I finally got to the Rav, and could tap into his spiritual koach to really start overcoming my own anger issues, and self-righteousness, and black-and-white thinking.

Until that happened, I was also destroying my children with my own two hands.

All with the best of intentions, of course.

====

But who wants to listen to this?

No-one.

====

Last week, I tried to do a mind-map, to set out goals and aspirations for the next few months.

In the past, I used to do a lot of mind-maps, and I used to get a lot of things done, as a result.

This time around, I wrote down a few headings, and waited for some ideas and inspiration to show up.

Man, it was painful.

I sat looking at the heading called ‘Books I want to write’ for around 5 minutes, until I found myself scrawling this underneath it:

There is no point writing any more books. No-one will read them.

And much as I wish that wasn’t true, I know it is.

====

So here I sit, with all this yeoush, feeling like the world of lies has kind of won, at least, in my dalet amot.

I know that ‘the troof’ isn’t always what God wants to be told.

I also know that God’s seal is truth, and that for as long as we’re telling ourselves and others lies, we are stuck in a sick world, with apparently ‘unsolvable’ problems.

I’m kind of stuck on the horns of a furious dilemma, as so much of what I’m researching, and so much of what interests me, and so much of what I want to share is a ‘truth’ that no-one wants to hear.

And it’s been that way for years.

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Man, I’m feeling sad writing this.

I know, you probably don’t want to be reading it.

What can I do?

My blog is kind of my last sanctuary, the place where I promised myself to tell the truth, even when it’s painful, even when it reveals me in less than glowing colours – and even when people don’t want to hear it.

Ahh, God.

This world of lies is killing me.

But it seems that ‘the world of truth’ is a very lonely place to hang out in.

====

UPDATE:

First, thanks to everyone who took the time to write or call me after reading this (and also those that didn’t, but had the thought that at least in theory, they would have wanted to reach out.)

I really appreciated your chizzuk, and it reminded me that I’m not alone in all this.

There are so many people like ‘us’ out there, but it seems we’re mostly distanced apart, spread evenly around the globe, as part of Rabbenu’s ‘grid system’, to make sure he’s got the whole world covered with someone who is connected to Rebbe Nachman and the Rav, and trying to get to the truth.

That by itself brought so much comfort – to have all these insightful people sharing their own wisdom, and their own chizzuk and their own emuna.

Thank you!

BH, I am getting back on the horse now.

One of my friends told me that expecting instant results from all this is ridiculous (I’m paraphrasing) and the point is to write for God, and not to write for egotistical reasons and self-gratification.

She’s right.

But sometimes (often…), that’s hard.

But since when was anything truly meaningful in life easy?

Exactly.

====

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23 replies
  1. Jonathan
    Jonathan says:

    And justice has turned away backward, and righteousness stands from afar, for truth has stumbled in the street, and straightforwardness cannot come.
    And truth is lacking, and he who turns away from evil is considered mad, and the Lord saw and was displeased for there is no justice.
    Isaiah 59:14-15

    Don’t forget you’re on the right side. You’re building your place in the world to come and we’re approaching it at “warp speed”. 😉

    Reply
  2. Rachel Erman
    Rachel Erman says:

    But maybe you can go into alternative medicine again? I, for one, would be very happy to be your client. Really.

    Reply
      • Rachel Erman
        Rachel Erman says:

        When it’s truth about myself… I’d try to accept it. But medicine is about healing people, and I have a feeling you were good at that.

        Reply
  3. Inna Khovov
    Inna Khovov says:

    Do not stop and do not despair. We are all right there, in the same spot as you are. This is the most exiting time of my life, because finding out the truth, or at least trying to do so, I believe is why we came here to this world. To hide from this, to “unlearn” means to become a robot and I do not want to become it.
    The process could be what Hashem wants more from us than the result. And it is very exiting! Hold on and do continue!

    Reply
  4. michal rus
    michal rus says:

    hi
    i feel this
    this uselessness, pointlessness, yiush…
    and how it seems lie nothing matters, or no one cares, and even it may seem as if Hashem does not even care. and this is the worst feeling of all.
    and when i think of the Rav and how he has been locked away and how messy the world looks it may seem as if the Rav is not even accomplishing anything. but we know he is. so too, even when we seem separated from Hashem and even when we seem separated from other yidden, and even when we seem separated from our own selves, and as if nothing we say or do makes any difference , it is all the YH and maybe as we fight through this place of yiush, we help others, and maybe even we help Moshiach. How much moshiach must suffer awaiting the geula as people keep falling into yiush… so my friend, lets keep holding on, keep sharing your voice, even if its angry, sad, or anything else. i for one, gain such strength from you, and i can only imagine how much more strength you give to emes as you fight for it. and your hitbodidut, as much as you feel you can do more or can do better, you are sweetening so much by just showing up.
    thank you
    kaveh el Hashem chazzak vametz libecha vkaveh el Hashem

    Reply
  5. Ana
    Ana says:

    Part of the mishna in Sota describing the end of days says that the emet “ne’ederet” – the truth is “missing”…
    Don’t lose hope, even though he tarries.

    Reply
  6. Hava
    Hava says:

    First, I note that this article has 6 comments according to the comment link on the home page, but shows only two. Not including this one.

    I also should say that probably more people than you know would be glad there’s someone out there who feels the way they do. And anyway, it’s written in many places in the Talmud and other sources that things will get bad before H’ sends His deliverer (and deliverance).

    Maybe you’d like to write about the motives of the people on the ground who are given credit for starting the state of Israel, and those who take credit for keeping it going?

    I intend to say the full Hallel tomorrow during my prayers not because of them, but in defiance of them. Only HQB”H could really get this thing started and have it still be around today. Consider our government’s many terrible self-destructive decisions, such as refusing to take advantage of H’s victories by fully accepting land given to us through the 6-Day War, giving up the Sinai altogether, and acting on clear prejudice against certain sectors of the Jewish population, up to and including murder.

    To add to this, I believe (this has not been taught anywhere that I’m aware of, but comes from my own family experience) that the secular leaders, before the state arose, observed the USA’s actions (what I know is from New York City in particular) regarding Sephardic Jews, and learned from them — and, of course they have their evil imaginations to take them further — this is how they decided to do their awful deeds towards the Temanim.

    I am not Temanit myself, but my mother’s side is Syrian; everything regarding her family (and thus half of mine) took place 20 years before the state did what they did to the Temanim.

    Reply
  7. Hava
    Hava says:

    Of course I want to hear! What you’ve written has explained, and will explain more about, a lot of things I’ve been wondering about for years.

    Reply
  8. Mary Mandel
    Mary Mandel says:

    I disagree Rivka ! You are making a HUGE difference ! from you I learned what hisbodedut was, from you I learned the truth about Rav Berland. My life completely changed around for the good Bc Hashem sent you as a messenger and through that it has a ripple effect… I now can help others and send them your links. So many women here in America learned the truth from your blog. Keep up the good work and always speak the truth bc even saving one life is so precious to Hashem and you have a beautiful way of writing. You are so talented in that area and would be sad to give it up when in fact its really helping pple !! Its the only blog I read and gives me chizuk each day! I to have so much despair, I try to daven for the Jewish nation everyday it saddens me to the core to see pple so quick to put their trust in everything but Hashem. I am hoping with tefilos things will change.
    Rivka what can I say we have come to a time where its very hard to be with a community its almost one man for himself like the way our forefathers lived. IYH the geula should come ASAP and the truth should prevail on so many levels ! I love you Dearly and it saddens me to read this bc I feel connected to practically everything you write about and in my heart I can feel it being the truth.

    Reply
    • Rivka Levy
      Rivka Levy says:

      I’m just struggling with some big internal yetzers at the moment. I guess, like so many of us. Life is really, really good… strange to say. Just I think my neshama is so sick and tired of living in this world of lies, even tho my own life is actually really good right now, Baruch Hashem a million times.

      thanks for your chizzuk, Mary.

      I forgot how many amazing, inspiring people I actually got to know thanks to writing the blog, Even if that’s all that’s going on, dayenu.

      Reply
  9. Darin Sunley
    Darin Sunley says:

    I check your blog literally every morning. And I will buy, on-sight, at least the Kindle edition of any writing you put up for sale.

    Your blog and your writings, especially Once in a Generation, have been /enormously/ valuable to me. I will literally be eternally in your debt for getting me the true story about the Rav, whose prayer books continue to work open miracles for me.

    [More personal comments to follow via email.]

    Reply
  10. Yana
    Yana says:

    Rivka,

    Yeoush and yeshua sounds the same…with letters re-arranged. The night is always the darkest before the dawn. Hang in there! Yeoush will pass, and yeshua will come!

    Reply
    • Rivka Levy
      Rivka Levy says:

      Just to be clear, ‘yeshua’ means salvation in Hebrew.

      This is not a reference to yoshki, the false messiah who has caused the world no end of suffering.

      Reply
    • Ana
      Ana says:

      Your message is uplifting and good, just a technical point that in Hebrew, Yeoush is with an Aleph and Yeshua is with an Ayin.

      Maybe sometimes we have to look a things with a different perspective, like you did, to understand that it’s all really the same and to trust only in Him.

      Reply
  11. Miriam
    Miriam says:

    Oh Rivka! How I loved hearing your in your face truths! I welcomed every reproach! There are some people out here hanging on your every word. Not because you’re perfect, because no one is but because you’re real, you’re legit and you want to grow as well. Your determination to get to the truth no matter what is refreshing and I wait with excitement to read what you’ve dug up most recently.

    You don’t have to please everyone or even most everyone. Hashem is so pleased. Changing one person’s life with your writing is worth it to Hashem to have you have been born and believe me, you have changed many people’s lives. You also seem to post exactly what I’m feeling in many posts and I am happy to be able to read my thoughts written so beautifully in your words. You help me word what I’m feeling and I’m grateful. You can send me a private note and I’ll tell you just how we are going through the same thing. Never doubt yourself!

    Reply

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