The last couple of weeks have been pretty challenging for me.

Maybe it was the endless grey skies, cold, snow and rain, which reminded me so much of why I hated living in the eternal drizzle of London.

Maybe, it was all the ‘Covid’ going on.

Not the actual thing itself, which one kid didn’t even notice and the other kid had symptoms for literally two days, but all the ‘testing’ and endless bureaucracy around what is basically a cold or flu, that has been ‘weaponised’ by our evil governments and military, to keep making the cage smaller and smaller.

Maybe, it was my kid trying to get to Uman in the middle of all that, and managing it for a day with her new ‘green pass’, that had cost her so much sweat and effort and prayers – only to be barred from the flight back because the Health Ministry site kept crashing, every time she tried to fill in her ‘entry form’ to Israel.

She called me in tears from Borispol airport in Kiev, 10 seconds after the horrible flight attendants gleefully closed the gate in her face, because she didn’t have the form.

Baruch Hashem, we managed to get her another ticket 4 hours later, and I managed to fill in her form from here, and Baruch Hashem, she managed to get back to Israel OK.

But the whole experience wiped me out for a day – and then made me depressed and angry, that this is the world we live in right now.

====

It could be that last bit of ‘stress’ with my daughter in Borispol was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

But for the next two days, I felt like something had really kind of broken down, internally.

My hearing went funny for three days… my mood was pretty sad and despairing… and over Shabbat, the message I got in my hitbodedut is that ‘waiting for all this to change’ is not a good permanent strategy for life.

BH, it will change, BH soon.

But maybe, it won’t?

And if doesn’t change ‘soon’, or doesn’t change ‘fast enough’ for me to be able to ‘hold on’ – then what?

====

The answer I got back has a lot of different parts to it:

  1. I have to start living my life for the moment more, and kind of just ‘pretend’ to myself that none of this Covid evil, this 5…G evil, this nanotech evil is really happening, at least some of the time.

That’s actually not easy for me to do, as it’s the ‘fake, superficial, head-in-sand’ approach that usually drives me bonkers. But I realised this week, that personally, I am too far over on the over side of living on my nerves 24/7, and I need to start ignoring more of things that worry me, at least for a few hours a day while I do other things.

====

2. I have to start noticing all the tremendous ‘good’ my life still contains.

There is so much that is out of my hands, and beyond my control at the moment.

(Like always….)

But, when I have a good homemade cookie to eat, a nice cup of tea on a cold day, water for a hot shower, mineral water to drink when I’m thirsty, a bed with 4 blankets to keep me warm…. all of these things are actually sources of deep joy and gratitude, if I take the time to notice them.

So, instead of waiting for all the ‘Drs Evil’ to fall, before I’m going to start enjoying my life again, I realise I need to scale back my ambitions, at least for now, and just be grateful for the cookie. And the husband. And the fact I live in Jerusalem. And the fact that my ears cleared up, BH, and I can hear properly again, and that my hands can type, and I have a really good recipe for lentil soup…

It’s the small things like this, that are going to get me back into ‘living my life’ mode.

====

3. I need to scale back my internet use, big time.

When your eye starts twitching every time the router turns on at home, that’s probably a good sign that you’re online too much.

BH, I never had a smartphone, so that’s not a problem.

But I’ve still been spending way too much time online – even just typing my own blog, and researching things to write about – and I want to stop that now.

I’m aiming at being online for an hour a day, most days, while Shabbat and Motzash will be totally ‘offline’, with God’s help.

That means I will be less responsive on email, and that the comments will go up slower on the blog.

But that’s ok.

====

4. I need to go back to praying with the Rav as much as possible.

On Sunday night, when pieces 1-3 had slotted into place, I felt better – but I still didn’t feel great.

I was still full of fear and worry about what tomorrow is going to bring, and I could feel how that fear and worry was literally making me physically ill, still, from all the stress it brings with it.

So I went to Ido HaNavi street, at 8.30pm, when the Rav davens, to go and say a few tikkun haklalis along with the kehilla.

I got there just as the Rav was coming out, and I shouted out to him in my head Rav, I’m feeling so scared at the moment!!

He did his funny ‘waving the hands thing’, that he often does – and all the fear just disappeared.

For the first time in days, I was breathing easier and not feeling ‘stressed’.

So, I realise I need to go and pray with the Rav as much as I can, and I’m aiming for 4 days a week, with God’s help.

====

5. I can’t let ‘fear’ stop me from doing what I’m meant to be doing in the world.

That’s my last realisation – and it’s one that comes around again and again, in the stuff that I write.

If I live in fear, if that fear stops me from truly living my life and doing what God created me to do in the world – I’m more than half-dead already.

What sort of life is that, to let fear dictate your every move?

I have a lot of stuff to get on with right now, that has been scaring me to do.

But, I realise this is a yetzer, and that I need to only fear Hashem, and carry on doing what Hashem wants me to do.

Ein Od Milvado.

No-one can hurt me, if Hashem doesn’t decree it.

And if I’m ‘hurt’, God forbid, it’s ONLY because Hashem decreed it.

====

So that’s where I’m holding right now.

I can’t end the evil madness that’s engulfing the planet in the name of ‘Covid 19’.

But I can still pray, cook, appreciate my family, take time off to paint, and start work on the next book.

All these things ARE in my hands.

And the only moment we really have anyway, is NOW.

====

You might also like this article:

 

4 replies
  1. Tikvah
    Tikvah says:

    Great points.
    And always be grateful to Hashem for granting you the opportunity to spread so much truth. That’s a huge mitzvah in itself. You just never know till possibly the olam haba how many lives you have helped save through His merit.
    We need to keep fighting on. And this world of sheker will probably (definitely)get much much darker, but we need to believe that He will provide an escape for us always.
    One day, in His PERFECT TIMING, this will come to an end.
    Thank you for all you do Rivkah

    Reply
  2. M
    M says:

    I just want to say that every time you expose another dark evil I don’t feel the fear that you are describing, rather I feel even more joyful that we are just getting closer to the end. Wasn’t it mentioned before that all the evil has to be exposed before the end of days? May Hashem give you continued strength…!!!?

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Solve : *
19 + 16 =


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.