an exit sign

More than anything else, I wanted to run away.

I wanted to pull the plug on all my ‘citizen journalism’, all my attempts to keep telling people what’s really going on with the fake, politically-engineered ‘pandemic’, and all the research and effort and soul power that costs me.

What I wanted to do was basically give up on ‘reality’ as it’s currently playing out, and to just concentrate on getting my Secret Diaries out there – regardless of who reads them – so I could feel I really did accomplish *something* in life, and then just spend the rest of my time gardening and knitting.

That was basically the plan.

But as so often happens, God decided differently.


I’m 99% sure that Amazon is about to ban my Secret Diary #2, Questions for God, at least the Kindle version – which is the only way anyone is really buying books these days.

It’s still ‘in review’ – after 3 days – and the last time that happened was when Amazon decided to ban Rabbi Berland’s book of Prayers for Health, which included a tagline for the Coronavirus prayer on the cover.

Amazon being Amazon, they never tell you why they are banning anything, so it was a lucky ‘guess’ with Rav Berland’s book. I switched the cover around a little (after it took me 3 weeks to recover from the disappointment), removed any mention of ‘Corona’, and managed to get it past them that way.

But when it comes to Questions for God?

I have no idea why it appears they want to ban it. So, I have no idea what I can do to get it unbanned. Of course, this all may be premature, we’ll see, but in the meantime I did another six hours yesterday, and a bit more hitbodedut about it all today, too, and the message I got was this:

Rivka, you can’t run away into your books. There’s a lot of other stuff you still need to do.


I typed that, and I sighed a big sigh.

Because honestly? I’ve had enough.


Jews are so stubborn.

For years, most of my extended family members and friends have been relating to me as an amusing, but somewhat demented conspiracy theorist.

I am the weirdo who totally trashed my career prospects and social life by moving to Israel. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I then added insult to injury by becoming a ‘religious extremist’ who started talking to God every day, and visiting the tombs of dead saints.

Of course, things went up yet another level when I started getting closer to Rav Berland. That’s when I started getting into arguments with just about everyone I know, both on and offline, who were convinced that they knew better because they avidly read Ynet and the Yeshiva World News every day.

Even my own children spent two years thinking I was a brainwashed, cult-member ‘lunatic’ for supporting the Rav, because that’s what they were hearing from their media-indoctrinated friends.

That was, and still is, pretty painful.


But you know why I threw myself so wholeheartedly behind Rabbi Berland?

Because every time I talked to God about the subject, I got the ‘message’ back that I should do everything in my power to help him, any way I could.

You know how I knew that Coronavirus was a crock right from the beginning?

Because every time I talked to God about what was going on, that was the message I got. That it really was meant to have been awful, but that the Rav had sweetened it with his self-sacrifice and prayers.

You know why I keep putting ‘unpopular’ posts up encouraging people to move to Israel ASAP, and having awkward conversations with people about how their pension – and savings, and stock market portfolios, and properties – are about to disappear in a puff of pixie dust very, very soon?

Yup, you guessed it.

Every time I check in with my neshama, and ask God about what’s happening, that’s the steer I get. Also from the writings of Rebbe Nachman (check out The Master of Prayer) and also from what I can see so clearly with the two eyes in my head that God gave me.

But Jews are so stubborn.


And that’s why so often, I just want to give up and go and do something more rewarding, like knitting a blanket, or something.

How many times can a person write the words:

Doing hitbodedut is the only way you are really going to figure out what’s going on?

How many times can I keep sticking hours, days and weeks’ worth of rock-solid research up here on the site, just to keep seeing it derailed by innate biases, bad middot, and arrogance?

God, I give up!!!

Let me just go and write some books – just for my own enjoyment and edification, I don’t even care if people don’t buy them anymore – and forget about trying to change anybody else’s mind, or viewpoint.


I’m done. I’m finished. I’m retiring.


What can I tell you?

I want to give up. What’s the point of writing this stuff, when so many people just can’t hear it, or believe it, or deal with it?

What’s the point?

I want to give up and go and do something more personally fulfilling, that doesn’t keep putting me in opposition to 99.9% of the rest of the world.

But God isn’t letting me.



5 replies
  1. Bead-Head
    Bead-Head says:

    I don’t think it should be called a “fake, politically-engineered ‘pandemic’”. Many people have died all over the world. Stats may be bloated but it’s serious enough that Rav Berland’s prayer should be translated and passed out all over the world.

    You may be a reporter or journalists but plenty of reporters and journalists get their stories wrong.

    (The virus itself was probably manufactured in a lab and for political reasons.)

  2. Vivian
    Vivian says:

    I hear you Rivka,things are more complicated over here inchutz laaretz.My husband and I want to make aliyah and its not simple.First of all who knows when we will get a passport for my son and the second is parnassa wise my husband and I are not that far away from retirement and who knows what kind of job we could get over there.Everyday I tell Hashem that my heart is there and we want to be there.A lot of my friends also feel “stuck”here who would also want to be there.

  3. Reuven
    Reuven says:

    This is not specifically a response to Vivian, but a general point for all those in chutz l’aretz, who quite rightly have the question, ‘what will I do for parnassa?’ When this question arises it may be met with confusion, frustration and despair. The yetzer hara is quick to jump on this and use it to extinguish any thought of making aliyah. It will add tons of additional ‘worries’, such as ‘you can’t even speak the language, so how are you ever going to get a job…’ etc… etc… etc…

    However, our job is to break through this ‘klipa’ (husk), which is – in many cases – just an illusion (albeit a very convincing and difficult to see-through illusion).

    First thing to know is that parnassa in Israel is not the same as parnassa outside Israel (I’ve been in both markets and can tell you from first hand experience). The Torah tells us that, ‘the eyes of Hashem are on the land from the beginning of the year to the end of the year’. Chazal explain to us that this means that Hashem Himself takes personal control (hashgacha) over Israel and its residents. This plays out in many ways, but one of them is that work/parnassa in Israel is not obtained by the same ‘natural’ means that play out in chutz l’aretz. This is bad news for some, who think they can stroll in with a degree from Harvard and get a fancy job (which they can’t), but is good news for others who come ‘with nothing’ and end up millionaires, or at least live very comfortable lives.

    Israel has around 6 million Jews who pretty much all came from abroad, with no job, and perhaps little savings. Apart from relatively few, almost all those who have made aliyah live very nicely here, with all the major necessities, home/food/clothes etc as good if not better than anywhere else.

    Of course, coming to Israel and living here, with other Jews and with Hashem Himself (the Gemara – written in Babylon – admits that anyone “living in Israel is like they have a G-d, and anyone living outside Israel is like they don’t have a G-d”) is the greatest reward in itself which makes a person’s concerns about parnassa seem much less relevant once you’re actually living here.

    In chutz l’aretz, cash is King, so it’s hard to make the mental jump to how that could possibly not be the case. However, like going from not keeping Shabbat to keeping Shabbat, its something that can only be known once it has been experienced.

    My suggestion to the very many who are stuck in this dilemma is to simply challenge it. Start putting out ‘feelers’, start asking around – most jobs in Israel are still through word of mouth. If you know anyone in Israel, friends, family, etc simply email and say ‘do you know of any work in [field] or anyone you can put me in touch with?’ The thing with Israel is that everyone knows someone, and within a few emails, you can get to anyone from the head of Israel’s largest companies to Bibi himself. You just need to ask.

    You do your job, and Hashem will do His.


  4. michal rus
    michal rus says:

    Hashem is with you
    keep searching
    keep yearning to have more revelation and less hester panim

    rivka you are doing good work, keep doing your avodah,everyonem keep holing on, keep searching for truth


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