Lots of us seem to be asking the same question at the moment.
And it’s this:
Why has God let all the evil people run the show for so very long?
Why has He let evil flourish in the world for all these years?
It’s not an easy question to answer.
Last week, I had a very powerful dream.
I was in some ‘facility’ where they torture children and other people – probably Montauk, in Long Island.
I was being shown around, and they were describing all the yucky things they do to render people without a conscience, and therefore capable of the worst cruelty.
Strangely, when I woke up, I didn’t feel scared to death, like I usually do when I have these ‘brushes with evil’ in my dreams.
But I did feel, with every atom of my being, that this evil needed to stop. NOW.
So I spent the next few minutes just praying this prayer, over and over again:
God, please destroy the evil in the world to its very foundations.
Friday night, one of my kids had a massive meltdown.
She just started sobbing her eyes out about how there is so much evil in the world, that God must be a bit ‘evil’ Himself, to let all this happen.
I tried to shut her up, initially – we don’t question God! We don’t suggest God is anything but totally, 100% good!
But once the dust settled, I realised that she was just expressing the same question I have at the moment, about why God has allowed evil to rule the world for so very long.
I believe it’s for a good reason.
But that doesn’t mean that I can understand what’s going on here – at all.
The more I look into things, the more lies I discover.
The more I learn about how the world is really working, the more I understand that it is built on a pre-determined plan for war, starvation, suffering and abuse of human beings.
How can God want such a world as this to continue?
How could He let such a world like this devolve in the first place?
I know many of us are having the same sorts of questions bubbling up at the moment.
Sometimes, it’s just so very hard to keep hanging on to faith and emuna, even though I KNOW that’s the only path that’s going to get me through this in one piece, whatever happens next.
Increasingly, I’m finding it hard to tolerate the mask fascism.
The last few days, I have snapped at 2 different shopworkers who told me to put my mask up.
It’s a problem, because I am getting to the stage where I just can’t do it anymore.
And if I need to do it to continue to buy my groceries… well.
It’s a problem that I don’t know how to solve.
Now, the State of Israel is attempting to coerce me into getting ‘vaccinated’ by all these little ‘rules’ that are taking away my basic human rights.
This week, for the first time in months, we went out for supper, to give me a rest from cooking every single day.
We didn’t have the ‘green passport’ – such Orwellian descriptions! – so we were told we had to sit outside at the two tables reserved for ‘Coronavirus lepers’.
My daughter was with is, and she started to whisper to us: Now I’m starting to understand how it was for the Jews in the holocaust, when they had to wear their yellow stars.
I wish it was a joke, an exaggeration, a dramatic teenage turn of phrase.
But the truth is, I’m also starting to understand how it was for the Jews in the holocaust, when they had to wear their yellow stars.
At the same time, this battle is 100% mental.
Because yesterday, I took the Jimny out with a friend of mine to a forest near Jerusalem, and we sat playing our guitars (badly…) in the sun for an hour.
And then later on, my husband and I went to the Kotel to join the small prayer gathering for the Rav (of course, with the cr*ppy masks and plastic waiting pens.)
And then yesterday night, some of the juvenile delinquents we are acquainted with invited us to come to a party they were throwing, to celebrate one of their friends getting out of the army.
I sat there sipping a bitter lemon in a glass bottle (trying to fool the crowd that it was something alcoholic) and watched all the chain-smoking young people with weird haircuts just enjoy themselves a little, BBQing steaks under a cloudless Jerusalem night sky.
All so normal….
One of the neighbors called the police because of the music (I guess they didn’t like 80s soft rock) – and then everyone rushed to ‘mask up’.
In the end, the police just gave a small fine for playing loud music at 11.30 at night, and then left.
I came home so disorientated.
Or is everything ‘back to normal-ish’ now, and I can forget about Moshiach and geula coming any time soon?
And if it’s the former, that’s really, really horrible and I can’t deal with it any more.
And if it’s the latter – am I bad for feeling some relief that maybe the madness of the last year is starting to recede?
Even if that’s pushing ‘Moshiach’ off again, another 200 years?
It was easier, in some ways, when I had no choice except to stay at home, in the first lockdown.
Living half in and half out of the madness, as it’s been for almost a year now, is probably harder, psychologically, then just having a more stable ‘bad’ to deal with.
Every day, the goalposts change again.
Every day, I wake up in a world where I have no idea what’s coming next, good or bad, or how I’m meant to be reacting to it.
But this I know:
I want the evil to be destroyed, totally, NOW.
I don’t want God to wait any more, to be hidden any more. That’s my dream, that’s my prayer.
I want that evil destroyed ASAP.
And I’m really hoping, God does too.
This song from Yair Elitzur kind of also sums it up:
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