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This time last week, I was stuck at the bottom of a huge, ridiculously steep dust mountain, with no way of getting my car up it.

(I wrote about that HERE.)

The message I kept getting from that day ‘off-roading’ in the desert is DON’T GIVE UP.

Don’t give up.

Don’t stop half way, just because you are feeling overwhelmed, scared and exhausted.

Don’t give up!

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On Shabbat, I was doing some hitbodedut in my room, when my eye fell on my 30+ scrolls of Sabbatean-Frankist family trees, shoved in the spare room a few weeks ago.

Why?

Because I gave up. It was too hard, to keep breaking my head over those genealogies again and again and again.

On Shabbat, my soul started whispering at me:

You gave up half way….

Like duh!!! Of course I did.

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My soul didn’t take the hint.

Continue…. there is truth that needs to be brought out for the Jewish community. Don’t stop half way.

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I thought of that humongous, un-passable mountain in the desert.

I thought of how if we’d given up then, even though it seemed totally impossible we could get our car up it, at best we’d probably have had to ditch the car and pay thousands for someone to ‘tow it’.

Like you can get ‘tow trucks’ in the middle of the mountainous desert….

But anyway.

Point is, there was everything to lose from not continuing to try, and to pray, to get the car up the unpassable mountain, and everything to gain from continuing on.

But it was for sure scary and overwhelming.

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Long story short:

I am back buried in my scrolls of family trees.

All this ‘genealogy’ is directly connected to all the ‘bad’ that’s going on in our Jewish community today that needs uprooting, especially in terms of protecting our children from predators, both of the body and of the soul.

So, posting may be a bit slower here again, until I get to some sort of ‘conclusion’, at least for this next stage of the process.

But in the meantime, strange as it is right now, worrying that it could be right now, that they appear to be ‘trying again’ with their masks and plandemics shtick – don’t give up.

Miracles do happen.

And unpassable mountains can be conquered on the way to freedom, peace and a good cup of tea.

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To celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, me and the bloke headed off to Mitzpe Ramon.

We were there 25 years ago, just after the ‘Ramon Inn’ first opened, and we thought it would be nice to go back and bring things full circle. One of the things we did all those years ago was take a jeep tour through the Ramon crater, or makhtesh, so we thought to ourselves: lets do that too!

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Our first jeep tour through the crater was with a tour guide I will call ‘Ron’.

He picked us up from the hotel, and first drove us through a couple of the streets of Mitzpe Ramon itself. (Honestly, it really only has a couple of streets…)

There was no planning, in this town, there is no connection between the communities here, he told us, as he drove down one particular street.

Here you have a yeshiva; across the road you have a bunch of Russians, most of whom are xtians. Then, you have a community of Black Hebrews. Then the Chabad house, and across from them, a community of lesbians. We are having a pride parade here on July 1.

How can you have a pride parade in a community as small as Mitzpe Ramon, with its 5,000 residents?

Ron told us: Last year 700 people showed up for it.

We were stunned.

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I learnt some interesting things from Ron.

The interesting things I learnt about the Ramon Crater is that it contained every element required to literally build the State of Israel – which was useful, because Israel was under international sanctions for years and years, and so couldn’t import the stuff required to make basic concrete.

But everything was there, in the Ramon Crater, and up until 2006 when production finally closed down, they’d shovelled out 1 1/2 billion tons of things like gypsum.

Ron also told us that they will never open the Degania dam, no matter how high the Kinneret rises, because if they do that, they will stuff up the potash works operating around the shores of the Dead Sea, which are apparently owned by the Ofer family, and the Chinese.

We’ll probably come back to the Ofers some time soon, they are a big part of the story of who really owns the State of Israel.

==

The more interesting stuff that we learnt from Ron is that people like him – staunch secular ‘zionists’, in their 60s and 70s – are totally despairing of what is happening in this country.

Ron told us that he has an only son, and he forbid him from going into a combat unit in the army, after what happened to Elor Azaria.

The only safe way to serve in the army today is behind a desk, he told us. The politicians are corrupt and the judges have ruined everything. I’m sure they are getting bought secret apartments in Miami, or something. If it was up to me, I’d have Smotrich as PM, and Ben Gvir as his deputy. And there are a lot of people like me. I really fear for what is going to be here, in another 10 years. I don’t know what sort of country we will be passing down to our children.

Ron doesn’t like religious people very much, although he likes to quote a lot of Tanach.

And so, he is caught in a very despairing paradigm, where ‘religious people’ are the enemy… but ‘secular people’ are even more the enemy. And the biggest enemy of all, according to Ron, are the Muslims, who he feels are going to take over the whole country, one day, and nothing and no-one can stop them.

I really got the impression that Ron was kind of waiting to die, as his own personal ‘answer’ to what is going on today in Israel…But I digress.

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The following morning, we decided to retrace the route through the crater we’d taken with Ron, in our own little jeep.

We bought it second hand after the first lockdown, as a way to get away into untamed nature, a little, when all the masks and Covid restrictions and horrible police were suffocating me to death.

We’ve been driving it for around two years, and we’ve ‘off roaded’ quite a bit in that time, on less and more challenging routes.

So, I got a detailed map of the crater from the nice lady at the reception desk, that clearly showed all the trails marked, and their degree of difficulty, and we headed off.

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What can I tell you?

Either the map was totally and utterly wrong. And / or the markings showing you where to go where either totally missing, or totally wrong, too.

I’m pretty good at following maps – we don’t have Waze or a satnav, because I have a map book in our car, and a really good sense of direction. But somehow or other, we got totally lost yesterday morning, in the Ramon Crater.

The path we were following, that was meant to be suitable for 4×4 driving, suddenly brought us to a really steep incline, full of dust and boulders. It looked do-able, just about – and I mean, it’s not like they would mark a trail as suitable for 4×4 if it was totally UNSUITABLE for any vehicles except dirt bikes, right?

Not right.

Long story short, half way down, my husband couldn’t get the brakes to ‘catch’ on the dust, and we found ourselves gliding into a boulder. Before we got there, though, Hashem decided we should instead get caught on a big bush, which stopped the car in its tracks, as we kind of dangled sideways.

I was yelling at him to hit the brakes… and when he told me he was hitting the brakes, I knew we had a problem.

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I started clapping my hands furiously, to ‘sweeten the judgements’, as Rabbenu teaches.

I didn’t stop clapping for the next two hours.

Miraculously, my husband managed to restart the car, back it up a little, and to guide it down the rest of that steep dirt pile.

Phewee… now hopefully the trail would even out, some, and go back to being drivable again.

Some hope.

Next we know, we are going up and down some MASSIVE HILLS, all dirt and dust tracks, and each one loomed massive ahead of us, like a mini-Mt Everest.

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After ten minutes of that (I’m still clapping furiously…) , we get to a sign post in the middle of the desert, at the intersection of 4 paths.

And that’s when I realised that the map I had was totally wrong, and that I had no idea where we actually were.

Because while the signposts were saying that the trail we’d just come down was 4×4 suitable, we already knew from experience that was a lie. And I couldn’t even find one of the other locations being signposted on that whole, big map we had of the crater by Mitzpe Ramon.

When you are stuck in the middle of a desert terrain, with massive, huge cliffs everywhere, you can’t just drive around and hope to find your way. It’s dangerous.

At this point, we both started to feel notably anxious.

I redoubled the clapping, and then we decided to ‘go right’, because the Gemara teaches that whenever you don’t know the way, you should ‘go to the right’.

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We drove on really slowly, and then 10 minutes later – a miracle.

Three angels were in a landcruiser just ahead of us, taking measurements for some new electricity pipe thing, in the middle of the desert.

Hey, do you have any idea how we can get back to Route 40 from here? My husband asked them.

Meanwhile, I gave him the map to show them, so at least I could try to get our bearings and figure it out myself, if they couldn’t help us.

One guy looked at the map with a perplexed expression on his face.

Where you are right now isn’t on the map, he told us.

Well, that kind of explained the problem we were having.

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Long story short, they said we should follow them out of the wilderness.

There’s one big incline on the way, but yiyeh beseder, they reassured us.

I told my husband I was just going to keep clapping, until we were finally back on some tarmac. He told me to go right ahead.

At least we probably won’t die in the desert now, I told him. Worst comes to worst, they’ll give us a lift out and we’ll just end up losing the car to the bedouins…

==

Twenty minutes later, the ‘big incline’ suddenly loomed into view, and that feeling of anxiety intensified.

It was like a 60-70% incline, up a mountain of dirt.

Totally impossible for us, in our small jeep without a 2.0 engine and totally exaggerated tyres.

Lucky, there was a ‘snake path’ by the side, which meandered from side to side around a bunch of boulders, that lead off down ravines on both sides. That was the ‘easier’ option.

Long story short… our car got stuck half way up, because we didn’t have the revving power of the landcruiser we were following. Yet again, we found ourselves tilted close to a bunch of rocks, seemingly unable to move forward or backwards.

(I’m still clapping furiously….)

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The angels ahead of us stop, and one of them walks back down the hill.

Can I try and drive it up? He asked my husband.

We were only too pleased for him to try, because at that point, we were basically cacking ourselves.

It just doesn’t have the koach to continue up the path, my husband told the guy.

Join the club, I thought.

Somehow, tho, that guy revved the engine through the roof, managed to get it past the small rock that had been holding the car back, and swung it around so that he didn’t go over the side of the ravine, and continued straight up the path.

An open miracle!

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(I’m still clapping….)

We walk up, get back in, and they reassure us that the worst is over.

I’ll believe that when I’m back on Route 40, I whispered to my husband. Let’s never do this again.

Half an hour later, the same thing happens again.

Another very steep incline – but not as drawn out – and again, our small-engined jeep is struggling to find the koach to continue.

Again, the angels ahead stop, again the guy walks back to us, again, he revvs the car through the roof, and somehow manages to get it up the hill.

(I’m still clapping….)

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They turn right on a path clearly marked with a big skull and crossroads, because it goes straight through an army firing zone.

I really hope these guys checked beforehand, that this is an ‘off’ day for the army….

I’m still clapping.

Then we go past a Bedouin encampment, and the road finally starts to resemble more of what we’d got used to, as a regular 4×4 track in Israel.

Route 40 – tarmac!!! – suddenly looms into site, and the angels stop again, to tell us which direction to take, to get back to Jerusalem.

We were miles and miles away from Mitzpe Ramon.

I still can’t understand how we managed to get so totally lost.

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Nothing happens for nothing, and I learnt a lot of important things from this whole episode.

The first thing I learnt is that the deep South of Israel is still very undeveloped, and that ‘off-roading’ there is way more dangerous, partially because of the terrain, but mostly because the paths and tracks just aren’t properly marked, so it’s very easy to take the wrong turns without realising it.

But the main lessons I learnt yesterday, were 100% spiritual, and here’s a rough outline of what I got.

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  1. If you don’t have an accurate description of the terrain, then even if you are ‘following your roadmap’ to a tee, it can still lead you off the edge of a cliff.

The only accurate ‘road map’ is the Torah, which is God’s ‘user manual’ for how to find our way through this labyrinth called ‘life’ in one piece, and to actually get to where we’re headed.

Connected to this, is the idea that you also need ‘guides’ you can really trust, and who are willing to put themselves out for you, in order to help you reach your destination in one piece.

That is the TRUE tzaddikim.

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2. Even when you think you know things, and you’re ‘prepared’ and experienced, God can and will throw you curve-balls where you’ll end up feeling totally lost.

When that happens, don’t start blaming yourself, or your spouse, or your kid, or your friend. No-one makes ‘bad decisions’ on purpose, not even retards. It’s just sometimes, Hashem blinds us to certain things, or kind of ‘fools us’ in to thinking that certain stupid ideas are good and useful.

Hashem is orchestrating everything that happens to us, to a) pay down old spiritual debts (aka ‘tikkun’) and b) get us to develop our emuna, and to pray, and to work on our negative character traits.

And that’s why we sometimes make really bad decisions, or take wrong turns in life.

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3. Clapping away the judgements REALLY, THE HECK WORKS.

We met the three angels 10 minutes after I started clapping, and we met no-one else – at all, the whole time – until we were by the Bedouin village.

Without those three angels, we would probably still be driving around the crater… or worse.

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4. Don’t give up half way.

That was really the main message that came through again, and again and again, yesterday.

It’s true, I really wanted to give up about 3,000 times yesterday.

Hanging off cliffs in the middle of no-where is not really fun. And we were feeling pretty paralysed and ‘stuck’ and scared at various points in our drive.

But if we hadn’t continued inching forward, cautiously, we really would have been in trouble.

So, don’t give up ESPECIALLY when you hit the tough spot. That’s when the prayers and the clapping need to go up, massively – but don’t give up.

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5. We can’t do this by ourselves.

So many people say to me they don’t need a rabbi, they don’t need a spiritual guide.

They have the right roadmap – the Torah.

They have the right ‘vehicle’ – a good brain, good middot, a good spiritual grasp of life.

But the truth is, in our lowly generation – we still can’t do this by ourselves.

The vehicle is good, but it’s simply lacking the strength to drive up some of the mountains we now have before us.

Sometimes, we have to get out of the driving seat – aka ‘throw our brains aside’ – and just let Rabbenu, Rebbe Nachman get that jeep up the hill, or tell us to turn ‘right’ into an army firing zone….

Otherwise, we end up stuck, despairing – or worse.

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6. Appreciate everything.

The last thing I learnt, is how I should mamash appreciate every small, little thing, that God is doing for me.

For example, I spent two hours yesterday really appreciating tarmac.

Now when I drive up hills on the motorway, I’m seeing that whole experience through totally different eyes.

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Am Yisrael is currently still on the ride of our life.

We are still driving through the desert, and up and down cliffs, on our way to geula and moshiach.

There are so many dangers, on all sides.

And there is no ‘safe, easy’ way out of the predicament we are already in.

The parallel is obvious.

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I came back to a couple of messages from my contacts by Rav Berland.

  1. Is that the situation is seriously hotting up again (even though it looks to us like everything is ‘calming down’ at the moment, because it’s the olam hafuch.)

2. Is that the Rav is trying to sweeten things by taking on more bizayon – hello, Channel 13 expose number 258!

3. The Rav is asking people to start saying 7 Tikkun Haklalis a day, until Tu B’Av.

Personally, I don’t know if I can manage 7 a day, but I can certainly manage 3, so that is what I’m aiming for now, BH.

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I know, this has been a long, arduous and exhausting few years.

And it’s not over yet!

So take a breather if you need, but don’t give up in the middle.

The end is looming into sight.

And there’s just a few more Everests to climb until we get there.

Only with God’s help, and by following the advice of the true tzaddikim.

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“It was pretty hard reading that post yesterday”.

My husband told me.

I know. But what can we do? If we carry on pretending this stuff isn’t happening, they will just carry on assaulting innocent children and covering it all up….

That’s the problem, isn’t it? We want, so want, the world to be ‘good’ and ‘perfect’ and ‘happy’.

And there IS so much that is still so good and so happy going on.

But the bad isn’t going to go away all by itself, however much we want it to.

It’s going to go away – permanently – when enough of us take our heads out of the sand, and start really praying for God to destroy all this evil once and for all.

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And here is where I want to talk about hitbodedut again.

Rebbe Nachman teaches us, for an hour a day, you look at the bad, you get to grips with the bad, you pray about the bad, you dance and clap about the bad – especially the bad that resides inside ourselves.

And then for the other 23 hours – be happy!

Not the ‘fake happy’ that comes from a Prozac prescription, or an escape into Netflix, work or shopping.

A real happy, that comes from taking the time to connect back to God, and dumping all our issues and problems on His shoulders, and asking God to show us what we’re meant to be doing in the middle of all this madness.

And trusting that He will let us know.

Because anyone who calls out to Hashem from a place of sincerity and humility, with a broken heart – God answers them.

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That hour a day of ‘looking at the bad’ and engaging with it, and wrestling with the world of lies, keeps me sane.

But the 23 hours a day when I paint, cook, walk around, chat with a friend, go to the Rav’s prayers (some days….) work on my fiction novel, take a trip out somewhere interesting, play my guitar….

That also keeps me sane.

 Good mental health depends on both: acknowledging the ‘bad’ and the evil – particularly within ourselves, for an hour a day.

And then spending the next 23 hours happy, that we’re riding this wave with Hashem, and that He’s guiding everything, and that even the blackest, baddest stuff CAN AND WILL turn around for the best, once WE make some sincere teshuva.

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So much is so hidden, right now.

So many of us are trying so hard to hang on to ‘truth’ and to ‘goodness’, while the world of lies just ramps up louder and louder.

Two days ago, there was a massive fire in the forest in Jerusalem that’s near my house, around 9pm at night. We had a great view, if you can call it that, as the whole mountainside lit up bright orange, filled with smoke, and the fire raged for at least an hour.

Man, that’s going to look brutal tomorrow, I thought to myself. It’s going to be bleak, black carnage.

The next day, I opened the blinds, and low and behold: If I hadn’t seen a massive forest fire going on with my own eyes for an hour the night before, I would have no idea that anything had happened at all.

Because there are a bunch of trees on the hill in front of the ravine where the fire raged, and they were untouched. 

And so, it looks like nothing at all happened.

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Strange to say, that forest fire gave me a lot of chizzuk.

I think a lot of my readers are going around lighting fires under the world of lies, both in their personal lives, and nationally, and globally. We see a few of those lies whoosh, burn and crash. And we think to ourselves yay, a huge bit of the world of lies just got vaporised!

But then the next day, we find our good friend still believes that Covid shots are totally ‘safe and effective’.

Or we read another post blaming what happened at Meron totally on the ‘chareidi animals’, while completely exonerating the corrupt police.

Or we read more rubbish about planned ‘monkey pox’ pandemics, or more ‘interfaith’ cack, or more puff pieces about how President Zelensky is the best Jewish leader since Moshe Rabbenu….

And then we think to ourselves:

Wait a minute…. What’s going on here?!? Where did all that clarity, all that truth, all that effort go?!?

Because yesterday, we mamash saw the world of lies burning down with our own eyes.

But today – apparently nothing at all has changed.

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Take heart, dear reader.

Before Hashem destroyed the Temple physically, via the Romans, it was first ‘destroyed’ spiritually.

That’s why it was said that the Romans just ‘ground flour that had already been ground’.

But that principle works the other way, too.

Our Temple has been rebuilt, spiritually, already, and is just waiting to be revealed in this lowly, physical world.

Each time we incinerate another bit of the world of lies, we are bringing that time closer and closer.

Even though right now, the mask keeps moving back into place, the scenery keeps just rearranging itself, and the world keeps appearing as though ‘nothing has changed’.

But all that’s an illusion.

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My husband suggested that I try to write a ‘happy post’ at least once a week, to counter some of the harder things that we’re uncovering here.

If I planned anything I write – at all! – that would be a great idea.

As it is, I just sit down and start typing, and whatever God decides I’m going to write about today is what appears on the site.

I don’t plan anything.

But I can tell you that we are approaching that time when the ‘happier posts’ are going to start showing up a lot more, all by themselves.

Because the world of lies is mamash on its last legs.

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Remember what happened with the former Soviet Union?

It looked like it was going to continue forever.

Then one day, poof, the Berlin Wall came down, and the USSR imploded all by itself.

We are very close to that happening again.

Our corrupt governments and institutions are being shaken to their core, and while they look like they are going to stand forever and ever…

That’s just an illusion.

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These days, who cares about the war going on in the Ukraine?

Hardly anyone.

Who is running off to get ‘Covid tested’, even though they have all the symptoms and have been feeling exhausted for weeks?

Hardly anyone.

Who is really buying into ‘Monkey Pox’ scare stories, or continuing to wear their mask now they don’t have to anymore by law?

Hardly anyone.

Even the people who still ‘believe the news’ are tuning it out and switching it off in droves.

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Sure, there is still a plan to control the world, and probably kill most of it off.

But it won’t get there.

Everything is being sweetened, all the time.

That is the ‘good’ that I see 23 hours a day.

That is the reality.

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So.

Don’t give up.

Don’t despair.

Don’t switch off and go back into Prozac-land where everything is sababa because we can’t really feel anything, anymore.

Carry on fighting the evil!

Carry on feeling the pain of the world, and praying about it.

But know, that God has everything covered, and there is a plan going on here: His plan.

With patience and emuna and an hour a day of hitbodedut, we will soon see salvation sprout.

And we’ll also be able to hold on to our sanity while that process continues to play out.

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Until this week, I haven’t been able to see my parents for 4 years.

There was a family batmitzvah in London planned for the month ‘Covid’ really kicked off, back in 2020, and all travel got shut down. We were all waiting to meet up again at that – and that didn’t happen.

And then, with all the fascist rules about ‘green passports’ that they were trying to enforce for a year… going to London was off the cards.

I told my mum, when they get rid of all the PCR testing at Ben Gurion, I will immediately book a ticket and come and see you.

Ben Gurion dropped the PCR tests at midnight last Friday. So Sunday morning, I was off to London.

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The first 12 hours, I was appreciating the fact that I could actually speak to people, and they would probably understand what I was saying. (Mostly….) I was loving seeing my extended family again. I was kind of liking the green trees everywhere.

But then.

A strange thing happened.

After that first day, I just started to feel that the whole place was dragging me down, emotionally and spiritually.

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I was standing in one of the millions of kosher bakeries on Golders Green Road, debating whether I should have a vegetarian sausage roll ‘for old times sake’ – when the spell suddenly broke.

Why would I eat this stodgy, unhealthy food, when I just feel ill afterwards?

That’s when I realised that the whole place is built on appearances of stuff that ‘looks good’ – but actually just makes you sick.

What do you do in places like London, except obsess over houses, holidays – and pastry?

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Long story short, at the end of the three days there, me and my husband both felt that when the Rambam wrote that mitzvot don’t really ‘count’, in chul, and that they only reason Jews continue to do them there is so they won’t forget how to do them when they return to Eretz Yisrael – he was totally right.

Everything there felt so empty.

So meaningless.

So pointless.

So disconnected from God.

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Just before I left London for good, 17 years ago, I had what most people considered to be a ‘perfect’ life.

Prestigious job, relatively nice house, nice family, lots of friends, nice clothes, blahdy blah.

But I literally felt so unhappy there, that I kept telling my husband that if we didn’t find a way to move out of London, I felt like I wasn’t going to last out another year.

At the time, that seemed like hyperbole and drama-queen-ness.

But now, having spent three days there, I can see how on some level, there was no exaggeration going on.

Because your soul just gets so unhappy in these places – even when Kosher Kingdom is packed full of more glatt gourmet chocolate than you get even in Jerusalem.

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I know I have readers who live in chul.

And I know many of them are on a way higher level, spiritually, than I am.

But this is what I feel:

The shechinah has left chutz l’aretz.

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Israel right now is full of problems and issues.

Chock full, of problems and issues, while we all wait for this Erev Rav State to finally fall apart, and be replaced by something so, so much better.

But here is what I realised, this last week:

All the tumah in Israel is totally not shiyach  to either the place, or the people.

It’s like a mask, a costume, that looks pretty convincing externally, but which can and will dissolve instantly, as soon as God decides that we have reached that stage, as a people.

It’s not like that in chul.

Even the ‘holiest’ places in chul – like Golders Green – are still based on tumah and feel empty of kedusha.

And even the most tumah-dik places in Eretz Yisrael are still based on kedusha, and that holiness can and will shine through very soon.

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I’m not telling you to move or stay.

I’m just sharing how it looks to me, through my subjective lens.

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Before I went for that trip, I put a question into the Rav, Rav Berland, about whether it was OK for me to leave Eretz Yisrael even just for three days, to go and visit my parents, as we live in such crazy times at the moment.

The answer I got back surprised me:

The Rav said that England is in danger of war and there is a lot of antisemitism.

But if you are just visiting parents and not roaming around it’s ok. You could go and you have nothing to worry about.

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I discussed that surprising statement that ‘England is in danger of war’ with my brother, when I got there.

He told me he agreed – but explained that the ‘war’ he thinks is coming to the UK is a civil war, not a war from external forces.

Inflation is officially running at 7 1/2% – and he says that real inflation is probably twice that.

The cost of living is skyrocketing as I type, with energy bills doubling and even tripling for many of the poorest people, who were struggling to get buy even before that.

The pound is tanking, and my brother explained that if they don’t start to put interest rates up in the UK, sterling’s future as a ‘serious currency’ will effectively be over.

But putting interests up in any serious way is going to torpedo the stock market, and also house prices there.

==

My brother analyses these sort of trends for a living.

He knows what he’s talking about.

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At the same time, my niece in JFS told me that 10% of her school is now ‘coming out’ as either gay or ‘trans’.

And that she has to deal with a boy in her sports class who ‘self-identifies as a girl’ and is now in the girls’ changing room.

All of the girls feel pretty uncomfortable having to get undressed in front of him.

But there is nothing they can do, because the girls’ right to maintain basic rules of tznius, and female dignity, are being completely trampled by anti-Torah ‘woke’ culture.

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Personally, I think things really can’t get too much worse, before Moshiach has to come.

My husband disagrees. He thinks there is still quite a way to go, and that the whole of society, as we know it, first has to crumble into the dust, before most people will be open to geulamamash.

I guess as things continue to play out, we’ll find out who is more on the mark.

====

So, today I’m back in Jerusalem.

And today, I am feeling so grateful that even though I don’t own my home, and I don’t earn money, and I can’t properly speak the language, and the police here are homicidal psychos, and the politicians are all evil, and I still haven’t worked out where to get comfy pants here – dayenu.

I am in the best place in the world.

And I am so grateful to Hashem, that He got me out of London 17 years ago, and brought me to the Holy Land.

====

I have a lot of stuff to get on with, here on the blog.

But I’m still taking it easy here, until after Shavuot.

Which coincides this year with ramping up the 5…G to 26 ghz, that frequency that has never been properly tested on humans, and is likely to cause a whole range of very serious health issues to a whole bunch of people, including skin lesions, which will then be blamed on ‘Monkey Pox’.

Or whatever.

(If you go HERE, you’ll find a recent report from the CDC, explaining how 5…G radiation can cause the eruption of lesions on the skin, aka ‘cutaneous radiation injury’.)

The world of lies continues still, for now.

But very soon….it’s going to fall.

====

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The sun is shining here in Jerusalem, the birds are tweeting, my neighbor is fixing up their house….

What could be wrong in the world?

The honest answer is: nothing and everything.

In my bit of reality right now, life is really good, Baruch Hashem.

==

Sure, I still have issues and challenges.

I still have a lot of things to pray for, and about.

I still spent the two days of chag / Shabbat totally wiped out, reading in bed, because I was feeling ‘irradiated’ – just getting weirdly ‘hot’ for a minute, every half an hour or so, and then feeling exhausted with a strange headache.

But overall…. Baruch Hashem, life is good.

And anytime it isn’t, I just start doing more tikkun haklalis again, or I go walk to the Kotel for a pray, or I go and pray with Rav Berland’s community on Ido HaNavi street, or I pay another pidyon nefesh, or I do more hitbodedut, to try and figure out what it is I need to work on, accept, or change.

Those are my good, holy pigeons, coming home to roost now.

====

Over Pesach, we got to catch up with a lot of family members from chul who haven’t been allowed into Israel for over two years, thanks to the Covid regulations.

It was great to see them – and also so interesting to see how the ‘pigeons coming home to roost’ for others are not exactly the same sort I have building their nests on my Jerusalem windowsills.

For example, my brother from London told me that the LGBT-whatever campaign in the orthodox Jewish community there is already yielding masses of bitter fruit.

He has friends who enthusiastically welcomed gay couples to their Shabbos table, and were thrilled when posters of Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis telling students ‘it’s ok to be gay’ went up all over supposedly ‘orthodox’ high schools like JFS.

====

Before we continue, here’s some highlights from Ephraim Mirvis’s career to date, from Wikipedia HERE:

As Chief Rabbi of Ireland and before the opening of an Israeli Embassy in Ireland, he represented Israel’s interests at government level and in the media….

In 2016, Mirvis launched the ‘In Good Faith’ programme, in partnership with Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury. The initiative is a way of bringing Anglican and Jewish clergy together so that they might encourage their respective congregations to work on interfaith projects together….

In September 2018, Mirvis issued a guide on the well-being of LGBT+ pupils in Orthodox Jewish schools.

The guide was the first of its kind anywhere in the world. It upheld the traditional prohibitions against the act of homosexuality, he then added extremely controversial views which caused uproar across the Orthodox spectrum and caused him to banned from several mainstream Orthodox events by making it clear that the Torah still demands “sensitivity to the feelings of everyone, including LGBT+ people” and that there should be a zero-tolerance approach to either homophobic or transphobic bullying or disregard for their wellbeing…

====

When JFS got a bad OFSTED report from the UK government, they brought in an ‘OFSTED expert’ to help them do better.

That OFSTED inspector put big, colouful posters of Ephraim Mirvis up all over the school, telling the students ‘it’s ok to be gay’.

And encouraged JFS to start actively teaching the students about how it’s great, wonderful, amazing!!!! to be ‘gay’ – graphically, in the classroom.

And then hired a bunch of ‘trans’ teachers who the poor students now have to address as ‘Mx’ (pronounced ‘micks’).

And if they dare to say ‘miss’ instead of ‘Mx’, they get the full lecture about their lack of respect and tolerance for others….

====

So anyway…

My brother now knows of at least two people in his close circle with young teenage children who are officially ‘trans’.

Not even ‘gay’ – which would be difficult enough – but ‘trans’.

At the age of 14.

And the parents are not at all happy about it.

====

Then, we found out another – not at all ‘frum’ – cousin of ours, aged 17, is already the proud owner of a tattoo, and planning to get more.

Her mum took her to get it.

But apparently, students in ‘Jewish orthodox’ schools in the UK are already ‘inking themselves’ anyway, giving themselves amateurish – and permanent!! – tattoos by pricking the skin with needles, then pouring ink into the open wounds, like they used to do in the good old days.

====

And let’s be honest, that the situation is not wildly better even in Israel.

Even in Jerusalem.

Both my kids went through the ‘dati leumi’ education system here, from the age of 4 on.

One of them told me that out of all her wide group of friends, her and one other are the only ones who still believe in God.

And the ‘gay’ thing is happening all over the place here, too.

I found that out by accident, when there was a discussion going on between my kids in Hebrew about how many ‘Yehudits’ they know are now lesbians, when they didn’t realise I was understanding every word.

What, even THAT Yehudit?! I asked my daughter, who quickly tried to change the subject, because that Yehudit’s mum still doesn’t know that her daughter’s social media profile is a picture of her and her girlfriend….

====

Before anyone rushes to call me a bigot, or a ‘hater’, I had three young women at my Rosh Hashana table who I knew were gay, and who had no-where else to go for the chag.

I told my daughter they could come if they would respect my family’s sensitivities on the subject, and keep any discussion of ‘gay life’ firmly to themselves, because respect is a two-way street.

They did that, and we all got along fine.

There is a difference between caring for another person, another Jewish neshama, and accepting all the manifestly evil ‘gay propaganda’ being shoved down everyone’s throats.

(Which is the point I made to my kid when she got a little upset with that conditional approach, that at the end of the day, the people who were willing to share their homes for Rosh Hashana with these girls, tachlis, were orthodox Jews, and not LGTB-whatever advocates….)

====

For a moment, let’s brush aside all the propaganda about people being ‘born gay’, and let me tell you what I’ve been observing myself, about all the ‘gay people’ I know personally, directly and indirectly.

Every single one of them comes from a super-dysfunctional family home.

Most of them underwent severe abuse and trauma by close family members.

While others experienced their parents horrible shalom bayit problems, including violent arguments and divorces.

Again, remember that I’m talking about people who come from families who are supposedly, externally ‘frum’.

But clearly, something has gone very wrong in this picture.

====

Sometimes, it’s been such a struggle to hang on to my emuna, over the last couple of decades.

Sometimes, it’s been so hard to hang on my relationship with my kids, and to keep picking things up and working on mending and fixing the relationship – which really boils down to me acknowledging and trying to fix my own bad middot.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt overwhelmed by all my problems, both externally, but also and especially internally, as I really battled to treat my kids with compassion and understanding, instead of just flaring straight up into self-righteous rage and anger.

It has been anything but easy.

And there were days, and weeks and months, when I really questioned myself so much, whether my approach was actually correct, and whether I shouldn’t have tried to ‘lay down the law’ more with my kids.

Now, God is showing me more and more how patience, compassion and prayer was and is the way to go.

====

I can guarantee you, that most of the parents in the so-called frum world have no idea what is really going on in their children’s lives today.

I can guarantee, that most of my kid’s friends’ parents have no idea that their kids don’t really believe in God anymore; or have a nasty nicotine habit; or a predilection for cocaine; or are ‘gay’; or promiscuous.

Because you have to make a very safe space for your child to tell you what’s really going on in their lives, warts n’all, and so many parents in the frum world especially just don’t want to hear anything that could damage the picture-perfect ‘appearance’.

Again, I understand that.

Hearing these things are really, really hard, and sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by all the ‘bad’ going on out there, I don’t really know how to handle it myself.

That’s when I go back to my routine described above:

I just start doing more tikkun haklalis again, or I go walk to the Kotel for a pray, or I go and pray with Rav Berland’s community on Ido HaNavi street, or I pay another pidyon nefesh, or I do more hitbodedut, to try and figure out what it is I need to work on, accept, or change.

Because what else can I really do?

The world is such a mess right now.

====

Until recently, I had a big shopping list of ‘requirements’ for the sort of person I wanted my daughters to marry.

They should be religious…

They should appreciate Breslov teachings….

They shouldn’t smoke…..

They shouldn’t be ‘vaccinated’ with Covid 19 nanotech….

At this point, I am understanding that in our days, the list of requirements is actually very, very small:

They should have a truly kind heart, and be truthful, and treat my children kindly and with consideration and respect.

At this point, dayenu.

====

Rabbenu teaches that by rights, all the ‘good’ in the world will eventually find its way to him, to the Breslov path.

And until it gets there… I’m just going to continue praying for my kids, and whoever they marry, and paying pidyonot over to Shuvu Banim, and working on my own bad middot and lack of emuna.

There is nothing else I can do, anyway.

And that stuff works.

It really works.

====

In the meantime…. I got motivated to continue uncovering all these spiritual fakers posing as our ‘chief rabbis’, and ‘religious leaders’, who are really just hell-bent on destroying us and our children’s mental and spiritual health.

Today, I’m diving back into the Sabbatian-Frankist parsha again, as God sent me a whole bunch more information to share about who these people really are, and what they are really doing in our communities.

Not for the first time, I am so grateful that all those years’ ago, Lazer Brody started up his ‘Lazer Beams’ blog in English, and opened up the world of Rabbenu and Breslov to me and my husband.

I’m so grateful, that God took us on a path that included R’ Shalom Arush, R’ Ofer Erez, and now, Rav Eliezer Berland.

Honestly, it has not been an easy path to tread, especially before we got to Rav Berland, and his ability to ‘sweeten’ so many of the harsh things, for his followers.

But now, more and more, all those holy, good pigeons are coming home to roost.

And I can see God’s hidden hand in so much of what we had to go through, to get to where we are today.

====

PS: On Ephraim Mirvis’s Wikipedia page, it also says this:

His nephew Shlomo Mirvis is married to Shira Marili Mirvis, the first woman to serve as the spiritual leader of an Orthodox synagogue in Israel.

If you click on that link, you eventually get to the page of the ‘Shirat Ha-Tamar’ congregation in Efrat, Gush Etzion, where Shira Mirvis is the ‘rabbi’, HERE.

Screenshot below:

====

You can get to the ‘Honey Foundation for Israel’ homepage HERE.

Here’s a screenshot:

====

Here’s the person who is meant to be funding the Honey Foundation:

====

Another snippet about him from HERE:

The Lipseys are longtime members of Congregation Agudath Israel in Caldwell, where Bill Lipsey served as synagogue president; he has also sat on the executive committee of the Masorti Foundation for Conservative Judaism in Israel.

====

So, Shirat HaTamar is NOT an orthodox synagogue, despite all the PR.

It’s just another Masorti / Conservative-funded trojan horse in the orthodox Jewish community, using ‘women’s lib-tards’ to try to ‘shatter orthodoxy’.

At this point, I’m almost certain Lipsey is just a ‘front man’, or cut-out, for all of this, and that the same people who are funding Reform / Conservative / Masorti, the New Israel Fund and all the rest of the ‘anti-Torah’ agitation in the Jewish world are also behind ‘The Honey Foundation in Israel’, too.

Just they switched the name, to make it easier for people still pretending to be ‘orthodox Jews’ to get funding from them, without raising too many eyebrows from their congregations, while they ‘shatter orthodoxy’ from within.

Always the same people, always the same tactics.

====

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Yeah, I didn’t forget Pesach is arriving!

Just so busy with all the Jewish history stuff, I haven’t really been paying attention to Pesach-related stuff (aside from cleaning my house….)

So, just a quick post to let you know:

  1. You can do the mitzvah of Kimche dePischa for the families of Shuvu Banim HERE.

I just did that myself, and I feel very happy about it. A lot of these families are truly yireh shemayim, and many of the men are still learning Torah with a lot of mesirut nefesh, in a lot of different ways.

So, highly recommend you pitch in some cash to help see them through Pesach, as we all know the Sages’ dictum that the money for Pesach is two-sided: either you ‘give it’ to others, or you end up needing to ‘get it’ from others.

And I know which side of that coin I’d rather be dealing with.

====

2. There is a new Haggadah out in English, that contains a whole bunch of Rav Berland’s prayers and Torah insights for Pesach and the Seder night.

Breslov Haggadah

 

If you are in Israel, you can get one on the ravberland.com site HERE – or come to the Rav’s davening on Ido HaNavi, and ask for the guy who sells the Rav’s books there.

Everyone knows him.

If you are anywhere else in the world, it’s probably better to order it from Amazon HERE, as the shipping will hopefully be free and you’ve got a good chance of getting it before Seder night, if you order it today.

They deliberately left the Rav’s name off the cover, to make it ‘easier’ to use at the Seder table without having to get into discussions with people who still believe everything the MSM tells them is true…

====

 

3. My friend Annette has a post with some nice Pesach recipes HERE.

Try her Hazelnut Torte – it’s a really good recipe.

====

And I don’t really have anywhere to put this info, so I’m just tacking it on here, that the two Ukrainians who were killed in the terror attack in Bnei Brak last week were not Jewish.

So, of a total of 5 people killed in that terror attack, only two were Jewish – which is mind-boggling, as we’re talking about Bnei Brak here.

And there are other strange details about this too, like the fact that the terrorist in Bnei Brak apparently told a group of young Jewish girls to run away, instead of just shooting them.

Sounds more and more to me that he was kind of ‘pressured’ into doing a terror attack, as opposed to eagerly hunting down Jews to kill in the street because he really wanted to.

So, who was doing the ‘pressuring’?

That is the question.

====

 

 

 

 

 

 

At least part of the reason the MSM is full of ‘War of Ukraine’ headlines right now is to try and distract us all from the soaring illnesses and deaths going all over the place, as a result of the Covid shots.

***UPDATES BELOW, INCLUDING ALBERT BOURLA STARTING TO BACKPEDAL***

More and more and more factual information is starting to flood out about what’s being found in these shots, and also what these shots are really doing to people’s health.

Again, this isn’t ‘conspiracy theory’, it’s just cold, hard information.

For example, more researchers are now posting information about the parasites – and other unexplained, unidentified microscopic life forms they are finding in the Covid shots, with a particular emphasis still on the Pfizer brand.

Here’s a few recent discoveries to catch you up:

  1. LaQuinta Columna researcher Dr Jose Luis Sevillano, snippet:

“Dr. José Luis Sevillano is conducting research based on the observation and evolution of different possible unidentified life forms in the most detailed way possible.

In a recent program, he identified some structures that look like long leaves and others that are more vermiform and frightening.”

====

I’m seeing reports of unrecognisable ‘parasites’ in these shots from other researchers too, but at this stage, I’m flagging it as something to watch, not a 100% certainty, still.

Meanwhile, there is so much information out there now about how Covid shots have been proven to damage people’s hearts (amongst a very long list of serious side effects, including death.)

Take a look at this:

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And the ‘safe and effectiveness’ argument for these Covid shots is also falling apart, with each day that passes.

 Even CDC’s liar-in-chief Rochelle Walensky is now publically back-tracking and trying to cover her derriere:

====

I could bring more and more stuff here, but I am honestly starting to tire of doing that – across a lot of different areas.

The critical thing here is to really roll up your sleeves, and continue to do your own birur of what is really going on, and about what you’re being told, and about which information, which people, you ‘let in’ to your mind, to influence your thinking and beliefs.

I’ve been saying this for a while, but there are no shortcuts.

Each of us is responsible for ‘cleaning out’ our own minds, our own souls, before Moshiach comes, and tracking down all the false assumptions we have, and lies we really just tell ourselves.

That’s the real work to be done here.

====

So, don’t let anything enter your mind uncritically.

Don’t just ‘assume’ everything you’re being fed is correct, or ‘right’

Even when people have good intentions, everyone is flawed, everyone is limited, no-one is perfect.

More and more, I’m trying to ‘turn off the MSM’ in my life, and if I’m interested in a subject, I’m going to do a deep dive on it myself, research as much as I can from more credible sources, and then come to my own conclusions about what I really think.

If I care to have an opinion.

====

Just to end back with the Covid 19 shots.

Don’t forget, that God is really behind all this.

And that everything that happens to anyone is really just part of that ‘conversation’ God is trying to have with each of us, to encourage us to get to know Him, overcome our egos, build up some real emuna, and to fix the things in our soul that need some attention.

Bad things don’t happen ‘stam’.

They happen to encourage a process of introspection and teshuva.

And when ‘bad things’ happen to ‘good people’, that’s also not ‘stam’.

None of us know who we were in a previous life, what pain we caused to others, what destruction we wrought in the world, that we are now bearing the consequences of as ‘good people’ in this lifetime.

====

Whatever happens, we need to carry on justifying Hashem, and to stop making hysterical statements that suggest that God is somehow ‘wrong’ or ‘mistaken’, when ‘bad things’ happen.

I know that’s hard, and I know that in the moment, everyone, including me, can still feel so hurt, betrayed, sad, despairing and lost, when faced with the ‘bad thing’.

That’s human nature.

====

I guess what I’m trying to say is that now more than ever, we need to remember the 3 rules of emuna, which are:

  1. God is doing everything.
  2. Everything God does is ultimately for the good.
  3. Everything God does is trying to give me a message about what I myself might need to work on, fix, acknowledge, change.

====

The war in Ukraine, the parasites in the Covid shots, the world gone mad – it’s ultimately God who is behind all of this.

That brings me a lot of comfort, when I remember that – because it means there is Someone to really talk to, here, about what is really going on, and what I myself can really do about it.

Rav Berland has said repeatedly, that all of these horrible things – all the nazis, the terrorists, the Al Qaeda, the whoever – they are all just the physical manifestation of our own sins.

When we make teshuva, when we really try to uproot the problem at its spiritual source – all these nazis, wars, terrorists, Covid 19 shot-murderers – it all goes away.

====

So, we all have our work cut out for us.

And of course, I still have a ton of work cut out for me, to keep addressing all the yeoush, the anger, the self-righteousness, the lack of patience, the harsh judgements that sometimes keep floating up.

But what keeps me going is the thought that every extra speck of ‘evil’ I try to track down and eradicate in myself, is somehow also cleaning more of that global ‘evil’ out of the world, too.

And if we all do our bit…. sooner or later, the madness and suffering and evil will stop.

====

UPDATE:

This recent interview with Albert Bourla CEO of Pfizer has more than a whiff of the same sort of ‘distancing tactics’ we are starting to spot by people like Walensky.

Have a listen, see what you think. I have no idea who these mysterious people are that apparently convinced Bourla to roll out gene-therapy, DNA-changing Covid shots against his better instincts. If you think you know what he’s talking about, feel free to share.

 ====

In the meantime, here’s the long list of very serious ‘side effects’ that Bourla and Pfizer knew about BEFORE they asked the FDA to approve their dangerous, nanotech Covid shots:

The Assessment and Research Centre of Biological Products (ARCB) of the Food and Drug Administration of America (FDA) for the first time allowed the public to access the data that Pfizer submitted to the FDA clinical trial in support of a licensed vaccine covid-19.

==

When Pfizer asked the FDA for approval, there were already 158,000 adverse events.

You can see the document listing these ‘side effects’ for yourself, HERE.

The list includes:

🚩acute kidney injury,
🚩acute flaccid myelitis,
🚩antibodies antiespermatozoides positive,
🚩embolism of the brain stem,
🚩thrombosis of the brain stem,
🚩cardiac arrest,
🚩heart failure,
🚩thrombosis ventricular heart
🚩cardiogenic shock,
🚩vasculitis of the central nervous system,
🚩neonatal death,
🚩deep vein thrombosis,
🚩encephalitis of the brainstem,
🚩hemorrhagic encephalitis,
🚩frontal lobe epilepsy,
🚩foaming at the mouth,
🚩epileptic psychosis,
🚩facial paralysis,
🚩fetal distress syndrome
🚩amyloidosis of the gastrointestinal tract,
🚩generalised seizure,
🚩encephalopathy, Hashimoto’s disease, thyroiditis,
🚩vascular thrombosis,
🚩reactivation of herpes zoster,
🚩mediated hepatitis,
🚩interstitial lung disease,
🚩embolism of the jugular vein,
🚩juvenile myoclonic epilepsy,
🚩liver injury,
🚩low birth weight,
🚩multisystem inflammatory syndrome  in children,
🚩myocarditis,
🚩neonatal seizures,
🚩pancreatitis,
🚩pneumonia,
🚩fetal death,
🚩tachycardia,
🚩temporal lobe epilepsy,
🚩autoimmunity testicular
🚩thrombotic cerebral infarction,
🚩diabetes mellitus type 1,
🚩neonatal venous thrombosis,
🚩thrombosis of the vertebral artery

AND 1.246 MEDICAL CONDITIONS following VACCINATION

(Translated from Spanish, so please excuse any spelling errors.)

====

Safe and effective!!!

My patootie.

Let’s end the update with THIS, from yesterday.

====

Seriously?

Are people still buying this?

====

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The last two days, I’ve been feeling a tremendous amount of despair again, about how broken our world is.

Despite best efforts, despite hours and hours of prayers, despite tremendous mesirut nefesh on so many levels by so many people…. we are still stuck with a broken world, that sometimes seems impossible to fix.

Even when you follow all the correct etzot for how to do that.

Like, you can spend two solid years making super-human efforts to ‘only see the good’ in a person, and then discover at the end of that, that they were really scamming you all along, and that you really should have listened to that small voice whispering at you, that this person was actually a two-faced poisonous toad.

I’m still pondering the implications of this, for the whole ‘Azamra’ idea, because for sure, Rabbenu is always and only correct. But it seems to me, ‘Azamra’ has to be applied in a way that won’t lead to people getting hurt by sociopath conmen – because otherwise, it’s bad advice.

And it’s simply not possible, that Rabbenu would give bad advice.

====

Anyway, two nights ago, I was feeling so very miserable, so very despairing about all the bad in the world, hidden and revealed, that I couldn’t sleep.

Baruch Hashem, the Kotel is close, so me and my husband got in the car and drove the 5 minutes to get to the carpark, then walked down to the wall to pour some of our pain out by those holy stones.

There were about 25 people there, on my side, some of whom were also crying.

That seems to be an increasingly common event, these days.

I took a chair, looked up at the dark starry sky at the top of the Kotel, and just asked God:

Why? Why does the world have to be like this, where it seems that ‘bad’ always wins? 

Why is that, God?

====

I know that ultimately, good will win out, in the large and small ways.

But right now, I am feeling pretty crushed by so much of what is going on, both personally and globally.

While I was pondering all this, I happened to glance down at the floor, where a bunch of hand-written notes had spewed out all around the base of the Kotel.

One small note was open, and I could see what was written on it:

“God, please kill Putin.”

After I read that, I felt even more depressed.

Like ‘killing Putin’ is the answer to all the world’s woes….

====

The Kotel worked to take the edge off the misery, but yesterday, I was just feeling so ill, literally, from all the ‘winds of war’ blowing around, both in my own life and in the world.

So I told my husband:

I have to get to prayers with the Rav tonight.

I know from previous experience, how so much of the ‘heavy’ literally just evaporates after prayers with the Rav and his community, at Ido HaNavi Street (8.30pm, every night.)

====

So I get there, still so wrapped-up in my own misery, and I go and sit inside the tent bit right at the front, which functions as a kind of ‘corridor’ to the  men’s section, and where I can usually get a bit of space and privacy.

It was still cold, so I had a winter hat on and my gloves.

At various points in the davening, the Rav started clapping his hands – to sweeten the judgments – and everyone followed suit.

I sat there morosely clapping my hands in a very depressed way, when this little five year old kid with massive peyot and an even bigger kippa on his head suddenly showed up, and started mimicking me.

Why are you clapping like this? He asked me.

Lo shomim clum! (I can’t hear anything!)

I tried to ignore him, but he wasn’t going away any time soon.

====

This is how we clap, he told me, then started clapping both hands together with lots of gusto and sound.

I couldn’t help it: I started smiling at this crazy kid and his very earnest attempts to get me to ‘clap properly’.

I sat up a bit straighter, and started ‘clapping more properly’.

Lo shomim!!! He roared at me again, with his hand theatrically behind his ear.

So, I clapped a bit harder.

Then he ran back two metres, and told me again:

From here, lo shomim clum!!!

I stared at him. He stared at me.

====

Why are you clapping with gloves on? he said.

I stared at him. He stared at me – and I took the gloves off, and started clapping ‘properly’.

Anything, to get the little bugger to be quiet and go away.

It didn’t exactly work that way.

He found a chair somewhere, and came and sat right next to me instead.

Now, he was focussing on my winter hat, that I’d pulled on in my ‘maximum despair’ state, without really paying attention to how it looked, or how much hair it was covering.

====

Why are you wearing that thing on your head? He asked me. Don’t you have a mitpachat? (Head scarf.)

Then he told me:

You can see some of your hair sticking out, why are you wearing that thing?

At that point, I texted my husband to meet up with me, to go home. 

The Rav was still doing lots of ‘Uman’ songs with the crowd, clapping and jumping around, and there was definitely a strong, ‘hopeful’ vibe at the prayers, that was seeping in and slowly changing my mood, despite myself.

But in the meantime, I was still sitting there crying to myself, and that was just a little hard to do, with my small visitor commenting on my every move, like I was in the jungle being observed by National Geographic, or something.

That said: I really appreciated that kid.

====

On a day where I was feeling like God doesn’t notice me, the prayers go unanswered, the stuff I do doesn’t matter, Hashem showed me that everything is being watched and recorded, after all.

Down to the last detail.

====

It’s hard to hang on at the moment, because the yeoush can be totally overpowering.

Part of me just wants to throw my computer away, stop trying to write anything meaningful and real, and to go and play (bad…) music and paint (mediocre…) pictures.

Part of me wants to stop hanging out for ‘good to win’, because it’s so hard to deal with the disappointment when that doesn’t appear to be happening.

Part of me wants to totally give up on ‘Azamra’ forever, because it seems the best way to hurt yourself and invite psychos into your world to abuse you, and the people you care about.

But another part of me knows that this is the world of lies, the world of illusion.

And that nothing right now is really what it seems.

====

PS: The Rav is regularly talking about Uman and the Ukraine, and ‘sweetening things’ at the evening prayers with lots of dancing and clapping.

He’s also giving over some shiurim about what is happening there, like this one (above), from HERE, said during a prayer gathering for the Jews of Ukraine on Thursday night:

“Fortunate are you and it should be well with you.  You are strengthening the Jews in the Ukraine, who are innocent.  They didn’t do anything wrong.

“All of those who live in the Ukraine are the most righteous Jews, especially those in Uman whose level is immeasurable, and all those who pray for them will merit to the life of the World to Come, and bezrat Hashem, all of them will be saved and no Jew will be harmed. 

Putin made it known that he doesn’t harm Jews.

“[They] only need to be cautious from all types of stray missiles and bullets, and we don’t know how long the war will go on.  We hope that by candle-lighting the war will end.

“Then everyone can come to Israel and we can travel to Uman, in the merit of you praying for them.  In the merit of this, all the gates of heaven will be opened and all the 50 gates of holiness will open, and we will merit to completely new understandings and to see the complete redemption, as is written ‘in the seventh [year] – wars.’

“In the merit of this war, there should be the complete redemption and Mashiach will be revealed already this year, speedily in our days, Amen.”

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The last couple of weeks have been pretty challenging for me.

Maybe it was the endless grey skies, cold, snow and rain, which reminded me so much of why I hated living in the eternal drizzle of London.

Maybe, it was all the ‘Covid’ going on.

Not the actual thing itself, which one kid didn’t even notice and the other kid had symptoms for literally two days, but all the ‘testing’ and endless bureaucracy around what is basically a cold or flu, that has been ‘weaponised’ by our evil governments and military, to keep making the cage smaller and smaller.

Maybe, it was my kid trying to get to Uman in the middle of all that, and managing it for a day with her new ‘green pass’, that had cost her so much sweat and effort and prayers – only to be barred from the flight back because the Health Ministry site kept crashing, every time she tried to fill in her ‘entry form’ to Israel.

She called me in tears from Borispol airport in Kiev, 10 seconds after the horrible flight attendants gleefully closed the gate in her face, because she didn’t have the form.

Baruch Hashem, we managed to get her another ticket 4 hours later, and I managed to fill in her form from here, and Baruch Hashem, she managed to get back to Israel OK.

But the whole experience wiped me out for a day – and then made me depressed and angry, that this is the world we live in right now.

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It could be that last bit of ‘stress’ with my daughter in Borispol was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

But for the next two days, I felt like something had really kind of broken down, internally.

My hearing went funny for three days… my mood was pretty sad and despairing… and over Shabbat, the message I got in my hitbodedut is that ‘waiting for all this to change’ is not a good permanent strategy for life.

BH, it will change, BH soon.

But maybe, it won’t?

And if doesn’t change ‘soon’, or doesn’t change ‘fast enough’ for me to be able to ‘hold on’ – then what?

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The answer I got back has a lot of different parts to it:

  1. I have to start living my life for the moment more, and kind of just ‘pretend’ to myself that none of this Covid evil, this 5…G evil, this nanotech evil is really happening, at least some of the time.

That’s actually not easy for me to do, as it’s the ‘fake, superficial, head-in-sand’ approach that usually drives me bonkers. But I realised this week, that personally, I am too far over on the over side of living on my nerves 24/7, and I need to start ignoring more of things that worry me, at least for a few hours a day while I do other things.

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2. I have to start noticing all the tremendous ‘good’ my life still contains.

There is so much that is out of my hands, and beyond my control at the moment.

(Like always….)

But, when I have a good homemade cookie to eat, a nice cup of tea on a cold day, water for a hot shower, mineral water to drink when I’m thirsty, a bed with 4 blankets to keep me warm…. all of these things are actually sources of deep joy and gratitude, if I take the time to notice them.

So, instead of waiting for all the ‘Drs Evil’ to fall, before I’m going to start enjoying my life again, I realise I need to scale back my ambitions, at least for now, and just be grateful for the cookie. And the husband. And the fact I live in Jerusalem. And the fact that my ears cleared up, BH, and I can hear properly again, and that my hands can type, and I have a really good recipe for lentil soup…

It’s the small things like this, that are going to get me back into ‘living my life’ mode.

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3. I need to scale back my internet use, big time.

When your eye starts twitching every time the router turns on at home, that’s probably a good sign that you’re online too much.

BH, I never had a smartphone, so that’s not a problem.

But I’ve still been spending way too much time online – even just typing my own blog, and researching things to write about – and I want to stop that now.

I’m aiming at being online for an hour a day, most days, while Shabbat and Motzash will be totally ‘offline’, with God’s help.

That means I will be less responsive on email, and that the comments will go up slower on the blog.

But that’s ok.

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4. I need to go back to praying with the Rav as much as possible.

On Sunday night, when pieces 1-3 had slotted into place, I felt better – but I still didn’t feel great.

I was still full of fear and worry about what tomorrow is going to bring, and I could feel how that fear and worry was literally making me physically ill, still, from all the stress it brings with it.

So I went to Ido HaNavi street, at 8.30pm, when the Rav davens, to go and say a few tikkun haklalis along with the kehilla.

I got there just as the Rav was coming out, and I shouted out to him in my head Rav, I’m feeling so scared at the moment!!

He did his funny ‘waving the hands thing’, that he often does – and all the fear just disappeared.

For the first time in days, I was breathing easier and not feeling ‘stressed’.

So, I realise I need to go and pray with the Rav as much as I can, and I’m aiming for 4 days a week, with God’s help.

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5. I can’t let ‘fear’ stop me from doing what I’m meant to be doing in the world.

That’s my last realisation – and it’s one that comes around again and again, in the stuff that I write.

If I live in fear, if that fear stops me from truly living my life and doing what God created me to do in the world – I’m more than half-dead already.

What sort of life is that, to let fear dictate your every move?

I have a lot of stuff to get on with right now, that has been scaring me to do.

But, I realise this is a yetzer, and that I need to only fear Hashem, and carry on doing what Hashem wants me to do.

Ein Od Milvado.

No-one can hurt me, if Hashem doesn’t decree it.

And if I’m ‘hurt’, God forbid, it’s ONLY because Hashem decreed it.

====

So that’s where I’m holding right now.

I can’t end the evil madness that’s engulfing the planet in the name of ‘Covid 19’.

But I can still pray, cook, appreciate my family, take time off to paint, and start work on the next book.

All these things ARE in my hands.

And the only moment we really have anyway, is NOW.

====

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I was doing some hitbodedut about where to go from here, and I was pondering what one of the commentators said on the last post.

She said this:

Healing.

We have to focus on healing.

Once we realised that what we see is the world of lies, after that a time of healing has to come. What is exactly the truth. How does this world operate? What is required of us. I think there is a lot to be done once this explodes.

====

I was rolling that idea around in my hitbodedut this morning, and trying to think about what it’s going to take, to really heal from the world of lies.

Everything that’s gone on the last two years is just the climax, the apex, of two or even three millenia of ‘lies’. All that’s really happened the last two years is that the curtain has been pulled back more, the veil has been lifted, to show us all what’s been going on, all along.

====

So, back to the idea of ‘healing’.

I’m starting from a place of stating there is nothing new under the sun.

In all the research I’ve been doing into ancient history, and not-so-ancient corruption in the Jewish community, this principle has helped me so much, to figure out what is really going on.

I look around at what happened then, and I realise that exactly the same thing is still happening now.

I look around at now, and I realise that exactly exactly the same thing was happening back then.

And then most of the pieces of the puzzle fall neatly into place, because really, we just go through the same tests, the same situations, the same ‘dramas again and again and again, until we finally make the teshuva we need, to get it right.

====

So when it comes to ‘healing’, it seems useful to first break stuff down into the different areas that actually need ‘healing’.

The obvious area is physical health.

I won’t go into that today, not least because I’m sure that this will be the main obsession of most of the rest of the world, when they actually catch up to what is really going on here, particularly for the people who were injected with GO nanotech poison.

(Orwell.city has some good information on detoxing from the GO HERE; and HERE is where you find a very practical PDF from Ken Rohla’s site, on how to detox from being exposed to radiation.)

====

The next area is spiritual health.

Literally, as I wrote that heading, someone sent me the notes from the latest webinar on January 23, 2022, with R’ Yissachar Berg, one of the main English-speaking people close to the Rav.

Here’s  the main highlights of it:

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*The Rav wants Torah learning to be the main focus right now. This is all he talks about.*

The focus now should be on Torah learning.

There is a new battle in town and there are new battle plans…. We are going to conquer the world without firing a single bullet… through prayer and Torah.

(The Rav’s prayers contain many insights into the Torah. He is referring also to the little prayer cards that were made.) 

There will be more shiurim and prayers that will be live, through the [ravberland.com] website, instead of the unfiltered YouTube, etc.

==

The Rav wants to set up more Kollelim in the Old City Yerushayalim.

This costs money, so supporters are needed.

*What is going to save us and bring the Redemption will be Torah learning.*

Learn for 8 hours, then an hour of dancing. Join in the Rav’s Tefillah when you can.

*The reason we are here is to pray and learn Torah. Prayer and Torah, Prayer and Torah, Prayer and Torah. That is our purpose. That is our whole life.*

==

Lately, the Rav has been talking alot about this present Israeli government and the evils that they want to put on the Jewish people.

*The main threat is the Israeli government wanting to uproot Torah observance. He is saying that this is the worst ever in all of Jewish history!*

They want to give away the Kotel, mess up kashrut, forbid learning Torah, and do away with brit milah and allow non-kosher conversions…etc.

*THIS is the War of Gog vMagog!*

And, all this is happening right now! Russia is not a threat, China is not a threat, Iran is not a threat.

Covid….the government doesn’t care that people are dying, they just care about getting re-elected. New strains of covid will continue to come out. The only way to fix this and be protected from it – is by learning Torah.

*The only thing to protect us, is learning Torah. Otherwise it is a dangerous situation.*

==

*The MAIN war is a spiritual war with the Israeli government as they are trying to prevent people from serving Hashem.*

*Increasing Torah learning is the only way to fight this.*

====

If someone can not get to the minyan and can listen by phone, it counts.

You are saying “Amen” so you are considered part of it. The Rav is talking about people who live here, someone who is far away, they are not being held accountable since they are not here. From a distance you can connect and that counts as if you were here.

====

UPDATE: Here is how to ‘join in’ via the phone:

From Israel 02-8008800

From the USA (845) 640-0007

From the UK +44 330 390 0474

Extension 29

====

Here are the daily ‘seder’ details, for learning more Torah together with Shuvu Banim and the Rav:

For men:

  • A reduction from 7 to 3 Tikkun haKlalis anytime throughout the day, it doesn’t have to be 3 at one time.
  • 8 pages of Gemara a day — use Artscroll or whatever is easiest for you.
  • 5 chapters of Rambam a day, (in addition to your regular learning).

There is a phone update at Extension 2142 (within Israel)to find out where they are holding every day.

Also, anyone (men….) can come to the Yeshiva in the Old City and learn.

The address is: Rehov Hebron 32. It’s in the Muslim Quarter, right ‘behind’ the Kotel.

====

For women:

  • 3 Tikkun haKlalis anytime throughout the day, it doesn’t have to be 3 at one time.
  • Learn one chapter of Rambam. (Ask for Rambam Mishnah Torah, or click HERE for an online version.)
  • Two chapters of Tanakh (Shuvu Banim women just completed Sefer Daniel chapters 9 and 10).
  • One book (one of the 5 books) of Tehillim every day.

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So, I guess that answers a great deal of the question of ‘how to heal spiritually’.

More Torah and prayer, connecting with the Tzaddik HaDor from wherever you happen to be, and if you can’t do the ‘Torah and prayer’ thing so much yourself, to contribute to the kollels that the Rav wants to set up (and also, to the existing Shuvu Banim kollels!) financially.

More on how to do that, when I get more details.

====

Here’s a few more points, about ‘how to heal’.

  1. We all badly need to work on healing our relationships with our fellow Jews, (the real ones…) and especially those closest to us.

It boils down to fixing all those bad middot that have been boiling over, the last few years.

But before we can fix our bad middot, we first have to acknowledge that they actually exist.

And that’s usually the far harder part of the equation.

====

Most of us have been operating out of ‘survival mode’ the last two years, or ‘snake brain’ mode.

There are four main areas of ‘snake brain’ bad middot that flare up when we’re under stress:

  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Depression / Despair / Apathy
  • Going into denial / living in ‘fake’ reality / keeping things totally superficial / abdicating responsibility for ourselves

====

I actually forgot I wrote a whole book about how to recognise what ‘survival mode’ you usually go into, under stress, and how to start dealing with it, tachlis.

You can get that book HERE.

====

For me, over the last two years, I struggled a great deal at various times with anger.

Usually, I’d have to go and do a six hour session to calm down, and / or read the Rav’s kuntres on anger (which let me tell you, works LIKE MAGIC, to defuse anger. The link takes you to a free, online version.)

But I’ve also struggled at various times with seriously just wanting to run away from everything, and every one.

And other times, with an enormous, crushing sense of despair about what was happening.

Baruch Hashem, I don’t have a stress response that goes into ‘fake, superficial, denying reality’ mode.

But everyone else in my house does, which means I’ve got into tons of arguments over the last two years, that have in turn led to: blowing up like a volcano; wanting to run away from the retards in my family; feeling totally despairing about why people can’t or won’t see what’s right in front of their faces.

(Rinse and repeat.)

====

So, the last couple of months there’s been a lot of work going on in my dalet amot to try to recognise my own bad middot, and to apologise to people who have been hurt by them – and also to forgive those who have hurt me, with their ridiculous, OTT stress responses.

Like, the people in the post office.

And the guy I got into a huge argument with in the supermarket when he told me I had to put my mask over my nose. (I still haven’t gone back there… but I have forgiven him in my heart. Mostly….)

And the witch who slapped my daughter on the bus, because she was drinking a cup of coffee and not wearing a mask.

(It’s a long, long list, I’m working on it.)

====

But there’s another element to this ‘healing’ process, too, and that’s the question of how we really heal our community, and our Jewish nation.

This government of ours in Israel, regardless of political affiliation or external appearance, is run by Torah-hating Frankist-Freemasons, backed up by Torah-and-Judaism-hating gentiles.

And the people pulling the strings behind nearly every Jewish community, secular, reform or pretend-orthodox, all over the world, are these self-same Torah-hating Frankist Freemasons, again backed up by Torah-and-Judaism-hating gentiles.

Whether these gentiles are nominally ‘xtian’, or devil-worshipping luciferians, that doesn’t really matter.

The point is, our community leadership structures are hopelessly corrupted – and they’ve been that way for a long time.

====

Let’s get back to the principle of there is nothing new, under the sun.

Why did Aaron make a golden calf, or at least, participate in making a golden calf?

He did it because he was scared to go against the leadership of the Erev Rav, who’d already killed Miriam’s son Hur.

That set up the paradigm for what was going to happen with every ‘false messiah’, and every corrupting movement of the Erev Rav, trying to subvert the Jewish community from within, since.

Let’s fast forward to Jonathan Eybshutz.

I learnt some more things about him recently, including that his famous ‘amulets’ were written in the shape of a Star of David – and that’s part of why people suspected him of being a Sabbatean, because this symbol was closely associated with that movement and belief system.

I also learned that it was his followers that went on the rampage against anyone who challenged him – and that even Jacob Emden was initially trying to avoid machloket with them, but Eybshutz and his crazy mob continued to attack him in every quarter, and even to threaten his life, which is when he started fighting back.

I learnt that nearly every ‘big rabbi’ who wasn’t themselves a secret Sabbatian (that’s not actually such a big list…) knew that Jonathan Eybshutz was spiritually corrupt, despite his enormous Torah knowledge – but preferred to cover it up, than to deal with offending his powerful family, or the local xtians that Eybshutz was very close to.

There is nothing new under the sun.

====

And the last thing I appear to be learning, is that there is a good chance that Jonathan Eybshutz is directly related to Jacob Frank.

As you can guess, the whole thing is totally mixed-up and deliberately convoluted, but I recently stumbled across a new piece of information about one ‘Schondel Eybshutz’, Jonathan Eybshutz’s daughter, who married a ‘David Ullman’ – both of whom have been totally scrubbed out of the official family tree.

That instantly reminded me of ‘Schondel Dobruska’ – mother of the infamous ‘Moses Dobruska’ who played a leading part in the French Revolution, and first cousin of Jacob Frank:

Moses Dobruška or Moses Dobruschka, alias Junius Frey was a writer, poet and revolutionary. His mother was the first cousin of Jacob Frank, who claimed to be the Jewish messiah and founded the Frankist sect….

[H]e became one of the main activists of the masonic lodge of the “Knights of St. John the Evangelists for Asia in Europe,” active in Germany and Austria between 1783 and 1790, which was the first German-speaking masonic order to accept Jews.

====

Dobruska is a made-up name – it’s the same name Jacob Frank took for himself, when he ‘converted’ to Catholicism.

And elsewhere, I’d read that ‘Moses Dobruska’ was none other than the grandson of Jonathan Eybshutz.

No wonder ‘Schondel Eybshutz’ got totally scrubbed out the family tree.

But that’s not all.

====

Another sister of Schondel, child of Jonathan, by the name of ‘Hitzel Eybeshutz‘ happened to marry one Benjamin Wolf Frankel.

She also apparently married a ‘Simon Halevi Brandeis’ – again, almost totally scrubbed out the picture and covered up.

I have a feeling Jacob Frank is hiding under all these made-up names, and deliberate distortions.

And that it’s at least possible that Jonathan Eybshutz is either the father, or the grandfather of Jacob Frank – as well as being the grandfather of the Frankist-Freemason Moses Dobruska.

====

If those real rabbis of ours back in the 18th century had stood up to Jonathan Eybshutz, and his brand of ‘secret Sabbateanism’ that totally corrupted the Jewish community and its values, how different the Jewish world would look today.

But they didn’t.

So now the test is back.

And standing up to ‘rabbis’ with tremendous yichus, but apparently very little in the way of morality or shame about abusing halacha and misusing their position to hurt others and benefit themselves is going to be a very major way that we ‘heal’ what’s going on in our communities, going forward.

====

I called this post ‘The Conversation’, because that’s what I’d like these ideas to spark off.

That we just continue talking about all these things, honestly, and trying to figure things out, honestly, and trying to support each other – and ourselves! – as we grope our way out of the world of lies.

As Inna said, the name of the game now is healing.

But for the real, systemic healing to occur, it has to be undertaken at every level – and the ‘poison’ in the body, both at the individual and the communal level – has to be acknowledged, isolated – and then dealt with properly.

May it be His will.

====