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When I took the car up to Meron on Monday, I didn’t really know why I was going.

I mean, it was already three days after the disaster, what did I think I was going to find, or see, that hadn’t already been cleaned away or covered up?

But still, my heart was giving me no peace, and so I found myself arriving in Meron at approximately Monday lunchtime.

I was surprised to see it was still full of people, so much so that parking was difficult.

Somehow, I still got a spot right next to the complex, and then I set out to try to find out what I was actually doing there.

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I walked around the bleachers area first, where Toldos Aharon had lit their bonfire, and where 20,000 people had been pinned into an area with just one exit, instead of the four exits the Israel Fire and Rescue Association had recommended in their report.

There were still some of the police barriers at the top of the stairs leading down from Rashbi’s tomb, that they hadn’t managed to pack away yet.

I glared at them, then walked around all the bleachers, trying to see if any of them – or anything else at the back there – looked like it had ‘collapsed’, even a little bit, like all those strange media reports rushed to tell us had happened.

(More on that a little later.)

Nothing.

Everything looked sturdy, normal, solid.

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Then, I had no idea where the tragedy had actually occurred, and I wasn’t about to start asking people to show me.

That just didn’t seem appropriate.

So, I found a quiet corner inside the women’s section of Rashbi’s tomb, and decided to eat my sandwich, while I pondered what to do next.

God, I don’t know why you sent me here today, or what you want me to really ‘do’. I don’t even know where this place is, and I’m not going to ask. So, if you want me to find, or to do something, please show me. 

Otherwise, I’m just going to say some of the Rav’s ‘Perakim Nivcharim’ for the souls of the departed, and go home…

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I finished my sandwich, benched, then headed out the front of the complex.

An old lady was sat on a bench, chewing a boureka. She looked me up and down, then told me:

If you came to light a candle, it’s down there.

She pointed me down to the left side of the Rashbi complex, into a dark ‘tunnel’ of corrugated white metal that I only learnt afterwards was put up by the authorities ‘especially for L’ag B’omer’.

I walked down it, and I came to a small group of people, all chareidi, mostly men, who were standing at the bottom of the stairs and lighting candles for the souls of the departed.

I’d brought my camera, but it just didn’t seem ‘appropriate’ to start taking pictures then.

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There was a stillness, a heaviness, a sense of palpable yeoush, when I first got there.

I overheard one man telling his three young daughters a little of his experience being caught in that killer crush on L’ag B’omer, but when they started to ask questions, he sighed heavily and said let’s not speak of it any more.

A dagger went through my heart when I heard that, because if we DON’T speak about it, then the people who planned all this are going to win! They are going to get away with it again!

But I understood him.

So, feeling some of that yeoush myself, that there was nothing more to do there in Meron, I found somewhere to sit near to the steps, and I pulled out the ‘Perakim Nivcharim’.

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Three minutes later, a camera crew showed up accompanying a man who’d lost someone in the crush on L’ag B’omer, who had come to place a memorial candle.

The main reporter looked at me, and asked me if I was planning to be there for a while. I nodded. So then he whipped out his expensive camera tripod, and asked me to ‘keep it safe’ for him.

I kind of rolled my eyes at him – but OK. Whatever. 

All of a sudden, I got the idea in my head that something in the spiritual equation was changing, over there by the steps, and that some of the fire and passion and energy to NOT just roll over and let them keep killing religious Jews was sparking back up.

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All of a sudden, I heard voices raised, as a massive argument erupted between an older ‘dati leumi’ sightseer who was trying to tell three teenage boys who had been caught in the crush that night that ‘there was no barrier across the exit’.

There were other people there who’d also been in that murderous crush, and also seen people die in front of the faces because the exit had been blocked by the police – but that older dati leumi guy was having none of it.

The police would never do something like that!!! 

He kept screaming, totally enraged by the suggestion that the police had blocked the exit, and that’s what had killed the 45 martyrs.

How can you say such things about the police?!? You should be ashamed of yourselves, to be saying such things as this holy spot!!!

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An older man, a quiet type, who had also been there on the night came up and corroborated what the teens were telling the dati leumi guy:

There was a barrier here, my friend.

At that point, the dati leumi guy totally lost his cool, and stalked away muttering loud curses against all these people who were ‘speaking lashon hara and spreading sinat chinam’ against the police.

Why are you running away?! 

One of the teens called out after him.

Come back and listen to what he is telling you!!

But that was the very last thing the dati leumi guy wanted to do, because then his worldview of ‘the Israeli police’ – and probably a bunch of other things ‘State of Israel’ related – was going to come crashing down.

After 60+ years of brainwashing that the State of Israel, and its institutions, is only good, and only helpful, and only cares about the Jews…. Well.

You can see why he had to walk away, to preserve his sanity.

====

At that point, I’d finished my tehillim.

And the camera guy had retrieved his tripod.

So, I came over to the teens, and to a couple of the older men standing there, and eavesdropped on their conversation, while I started to snap a few photos.

That’s where I heard first-hand accounts of people fainting – and then dying – while the police looked on.

Of kids throwing up and passing out, as their fathers begged for assistance, while the police looked on.

Of how more and more people had been sent down that already packed and dangerously overcrowded metal ramp, that no-one knew had been blocked by the police at the bottom.

And then standing there, hearing those first-hand accounts and seeing the place where it had all happened with my own eyes, it was obvious that they were telling the truth.

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The clarity of what had happened by the stairs that night suddenly blared out like a foghorn.

While I took a few more pictures, to share with my readers here on the blog, another camera crew from Channel 13 showed up, together with an assorted group of police officers, all in smartly pressed shirts and stiff uniforms.

This (very small….) group of police officers were being hailed as ‘heroes of Meron’ by the Channel 13 interviewer, who tried to position them by the steps where 45 people had been crushed and asphyxiated to death, thanks to the police.

Except, the interview kept getting interrupted by a very determined young yeshiva bochur, who kept repeating, loudly, the same mantra, over and over again.

Kol haKovod to the police who helped, and we love you as our brothers – but who put the barrier across the exit?

====

The group didn’t like that question.

And they were also being heckled by the three teens who started calling them ‘murderers’ and ‘nazis’ – not exactly the ‘feel’ they were after for their ‘heroes of Meron’ interview – so they decided to try again, by heading further down to the bottom bleachers.

The determined young yeshiva bochur followed them down there, and that’s when I started to take pictures of this obviously staged and heavily-managed Channel 13 interview with the ‘heroes of Meron’ – all three of them.

(It’s a side point, but my daughter told me she didn’t see any police on the night helping to carry stretchers.

It was the first responders, helped by a lot of the bystanders. So it’s amazing Channel 3 managed to dig up a whole three ‘heroes of Meron’ in police uniform. But I digress.)

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Thanks to the heckling from the teens and the determined young yeshiva bochur, the Channel 13 TV crew had to keep changing locations, trying to find somewhere where they could shake them off.

They set up again, directly in front of the Rashbi complex – and at this point, the three heckling teenagers left the party.

Now, the Channel 13 TV crew were surrounded by lots of the sightseers who’d come down to light candles and see what had happened.

They were on more friendly territory again, surrounded by more of the dati leumi crowd who were raised to believe the State of Israel and its institutions are a holy, good ‘peel’ around the fruit.

This time, when the interviewer started again, with the ‘heroes of Meron’, there were at least three dati leumi people there trying to get the determined young yeshiva bochur to shut up:

Kol haKovod to the police who helped, and we love you as our brothers – but who put the barrier across the exit?

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Why are you saying that?! What’s your problem?! 

Some older dati leumi guy started screaming at him, before telling him he should take off his tefillin, because he wasn’t acting the way a religious Jew should.

Some other guy told him to stop bothering the TV crew, and the ‘heroes of Meron’, and to go back to learning Torah, instead.

Then, an Arab cleaner came up and told him:

Leave them alone, God will deal with them.

(Which was actually the most cogent argument out of all of the people trying to shut the yeshiva bochur up.)

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But now, the yeshiva bochur had really gotten under the skin of the Channel 13 TV crew.

I mean, the nerve of the guy.

There they were, trying to do an interview with the three police (out of who knows how many hundreds….) who’d actually made an effort to try to save some Jewish lives during the disaster on L’ag B’omer, and here was this guy, ruining it all, by asking a question about who had actually put the barrier across the exit that had directly lead to the deaths of 45 people.

I mean, c’mon!

What you are doing is a chillul Hashem!!! The Channel 13 interviewer screamed at the yeshiva bochur, while one of the cameraman actually tried to punch him.

In the meantime, the ‘heroes of Meron’ were starting to look increasingly uncomfortable, while the police handlers who were flanking them were just looking plain angry.

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The yeshiva bochur, to his credit, stood his ground, and just kept repeating over and over again:

Kol haKovod to the police who helped, and we love you as our brothers – but who put the barrier across the exit?

At that point, one of the older dati leumi guys who’d been trying to shut him up leaned over and said to one of the police handlers, a woman, the following:

Honestly, it’s a good question. Who did put the barrier across the exit? And why did they block the exit in the first place?

At that point, some of the angry arrogance in her face evaporated, and she started to look very uncomfortable.

There’s an answer to that question, she snapped back.

I’d also like to hear it,  I chimed in.

Who did put the barrier across the exit, and why did they do it?

The policewoman turned her back on us, throwing over her shoulder:

There is no-one here to talk to.

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And that, dear reader, is when I knew that this time around, the police, the government, are not going to be able to cover this up.

As the interview continued, another man walked past and called out angrily:

We know you are paying off the families of the victims, so they won’t lodge complaints against you.

And so, another piece of the puzzle slotted into place, as to why the ‘heroes of Meron’ were being welcomed into shiva homes where everyone was clearly very uncomfortable, and unhappy, that they were there, despite all the carefully choreographed shots of ‘grateful hugging’.

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While all this was going on, one of the quiet, elder men who had been caught in the deadly crush asked the Channel 13 crowd if they’d liked to interview him, about his experiences on the night.

Of course, they didn’t.

I mean, who wants to hear first-hand testimony from someone who saw with his own eyes how the police in Meron deliberately blocked the one exit out of the Toldos Aharon complex, in the middle of a segment about the ‘heroes of Meron’?!

What was the man thinking?

How could he think that these journalists from Channel 13 were interested in getting to the truth?

Tut tut.

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Today, as I write this, I know that there is still an uphill battle ahead of us, to get the real story out there.

But I can feel in my bones that this time, IT WILL GET OUT THERE.

My email is full of people bringing their own piece of the puzzle to this attempt to find clarity and justice.

Too many people are asking questions, too many people can’t sleep at night, too many stories are leaking out about what the police did, and didn’t do that night in Meron.

The desperate ‘spin’ will continue for a little while longer, but I can tell you one thing about our craven media:

As soon as they realise that the general public is not buying their lies anymore, they will instantly ‘switch sides’, in an attempt to save their own credibility (and jobs….).

We aren’t there yet, but I’m starting to see the beginning of that process, in some of the pieces I’m reading, and some of the stories that are starting to make it into the mainstream.

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If ‘the media’ becomes irrelevant – if more of us wake up and realise that they are just government-sponsored propagandists, paid to manipulate the gullible public – then they will be out of a job.

And things are stretched so far in that direction now with the ‘story’ they’ve been telling about Meron, they will have to ping back hard and fast, if they want to keep being able to fool us, that they at least sometimes tell the truth.

There is blood in the water now.

The police and the politicians and everyone else who planned murder in Meron this year will be exposed, and justice will be done for the 45 victims.

It’s just a matter of time.

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Kol haKovod to the police who helped, and we love you as our brothers – but who put the barrier across the exit?

And why?

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UPDATE:

Israel National News put up this article this morning (for 5 minutes…):

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Snippet:

In documentation obtained by Channel 13 News, ambulances can be seen evacuating the injured, but not allowed to return and treat other injured people who are still at the compound. “We were not allowed to enter the site, the police blocked us,” the paramedics claimed.

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And more first-hand testimony is coming out, that the single exit out of the Toldos Aharon complex was blocked by 10 burly policemen, who were pushing people back up the stairs and the ramp, just before the ‘disaster’ (in Hebrew):

https://go.bhol.co.il/31eLuS

Google translated snippet:

“[Q]uite a few dozen seconds after we passed the entrance to the path, a lot of policemen and at least one policewoman came to the entrance to the path and blocked the exit.

Anyone who knows this area at the time of L’ag B’Omer, this year and every year knows that police officers do not walk around in the mehadrin area at all [i.e. the area cordoned off for just men]… And certainly there are no policewomen in the whole area.

Suddenly at least 10 policemen appeared in one shot?!?! They were at the ‘disaster’ long before the first responders and Magen Dovid Adam !! And after the disaster – most of them (not all!) did not reach out at all… they were not determined and urgent to help, to say the least.”

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Ten minutes ago, I got back from Meron.

***Update: Video of police blocking the exit in Meron, below***

Or at least, I got back from trying to be in Meron. We left at 1.30am, and the plan was to get there for around 4.00 ish so we could catch the last bonfires and daven the sunrise minyan.

At around 2.30am, I got a frantic phone call from my daughter, who had got a job as a sadranit in the tomb of Rashbi this year.

Her job was to move the crowds of women in the kever along, so no-one would stay more than a few minutes inside.

She – sadly – had a birds’ eye view of everything that was happening outside.

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I had no idea that anything was going on.

The first thing I knew was when my daughter called me up sobbing hysterically that ‘lots of people had got mashed outside’ and 15 people (at that point) had died.

What? What are you saying?

She tried to explain that people had got crushed in ‘the new way that the police built’ – and I was really struggling to understand what she was saying.

But as soon as I understood that the police had built a new, blocked off ‘way’, and that’s where people had been crushed to death – I felt in my bones that whatever had happened in Meron, this was no accident.

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Yesterday, before I went up, I read a bunch of yucky warnings from the Israeli government bemoaning how they wouldn’t be able to enforce their ‘green passports’ in Meron, and making ominous statements like this:

A senior official involved in preparing the plan for Lag Ba’omer on Thursday told Kan News that, “Anyone going to Meron needs to know that his blood is on his own head, and that he may be exposed to coronavirus patients who are walking around unsupervised.”

Even in Covid-19 world, the statements sounded totally OTT and melodramatic.

Now, I’m wondering if it wasn’t someone trying to warn people away because they knew what was going to go down there.

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So we’re driving up in half-stunned silence, when my friend in the USA starts texting me updates.

What actually happened? I asked her, as our cars always seem to have difficulty picking up the radio, even when I want them to.

The bleachers collapsed, she wrote back.

Ah. That made more sense…. I know Meron well, and I just couldn’t understand how so many people – at that point 30 – could be crushed to death the way it’s normally configured – at least not outside the tomb itself.

Then I was thinking about it, and I thought:

How would the bleachers collapse, just like that? They are permanent structures?

Again, the horrible thought arose that what had happened couldn’t be an accident.

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On the approach to Karmiel, where we usually park n’ ride, we passed a convoy of around 12 ambulances, one after another, with lights blaring, on the other side of the road.

That’s when the tragedy started to get real for me, and I started to feel pretty sad.

In the meantime, I had more texts coming in from various people, and was checking on another teen in my home who’d gone up to Meron.

Thank God he was OK, physically, but he was caught in the middle of the crush and found himself stepping on other people.

As soon as I finish typing, I’m doing a pidyon nefesh for him, and for my daughter, to hopefully avert any massive PTSD trauma from experiencing all this.

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There was a lot of weird stuff going on.

Usually, you can’t get past Karmiel on the 85 into Meron, but while their were police cars on the road, they didn’t stop us.

Or anyone else.

So, we travelled on to Tsfat, and arranged to try and meet our daughter there, once the transportation out of Meron would start up again.

In the car on the way, I got another text from my friend in the USA:

Do you think this was planned by the government?

> Yes.

It just came to me after I lit my candles for the souls of those killed.

> It was my first thought.

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My husband counselled me not to jump to conclusions, but my heart was whispering to me all night that this was no accident.

In Tsfat, we drove down to the old cemetery, and I went to say some Pirchei Nevorchim for the people who were dead and injured.

Or at least, I tried to.

For the first 20 minutes or so, I just felt kind of numb.

I was watching all the blue and red lights whizz up and down the road leading from Tsfat to Meron. In the dark, they really stood out.

Then, a group of chareidi men started trying to dance and sing a little, on the men’s side, and I had such mixed feelings about that, even though I know Rabbenu teaches that dancing cancels the harsh decrees.

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As I was sitting there pondering all this, I got another text from my friend in the USA:

It’s a privilege to dance before the fire of Hashem. I think we need to dance before Hashem more.

How did she know, what I was looking at right then, and what I was thinking?

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As the sun started to rise, I had the Ari pretty much to myself, as all the men went to daven netz.

I was in text contact with the teenagers stuck in Meron, and as the magnitude of what had happened sunk in a bit more – and what they both saw and witnessed – I started davening fervently that they shouldn’t have any long-lasting PTSD from all this.

And that somehow, this horrible incident should lead to some ‘healing’ for them, and for Am Yisrael, and not more pain and heartache and destruction.

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It took my kid more than 3 hours to make the short trip between Meron and Tsfat.

The buses were jammed on the road, hardly moving.

When she finally showed up, I just gave her a big hug, as she settled down in the back of the car to sleep.

She didn’t want to talk, just sleep.

It’s an escape route from reality.

I totally get it.

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In the car on the way home, more texts arrived from other friends who knew we were going up to Meron, checking we were OK.

And also telling me that no bleachers had collapsed after all.

So, what really happened?

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That argument will probably continue to rage for the next few weeks.

But here’s what I read when I came home and logged on to see ‘official news reports’ of the tragedy:

Some of the pilgrims blamed the police for locking the gatherers in closed off areas, and essentially creating the crowd that then led to the stampede. 
“A policeman saw the crowd but instead of opening an escape path for people, he threatened them with pepper spray,” Deputy Mayor of Jerusalem Yossi Daitch who was at the scene told the Behadrei Hadarim website. 
And THIS:
United Hatzalah CEO Eli Pollack told The Jerusalem Post that the incident occurred when large crowds of people streamed into a closed-in complex, crushing dozens of people against fences
Two hours before the unfathomable mass casualty occurred, Jerusalem Deputy Mayor Yossi Deitsch warned the police that a tragedy was imminent, B’Chadrei Chareidim reported.

Deitsch told B’Chadrei that he took part in the Boyaner hadlaka two hours before the tragedy and already then he felt the dangerous crushing force of the crowd. “I was being crushed in an unprecedented manner,” he said.

Due to the crowding, he decided to give up on his usual custom of standing and davening at the western entrance, next to the area where the tragedy occurred, and returned home early.

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44 people were crushed to death against ‘new fences’ that the Israeli Police erected in Meron, that weren’t there in previous years.

Every year, half a million people go to Meron – and it’s been that way for at least the last 5-6 years, and this never happened before.

Ma nishtana, halilah ha-zeh?

The new fences that the police erected, to pin visitors in like so many fish in a barrel, which totally changed the usual layout of the area.

And even when they were warned earlier in the evening by the deputy mayor of Jerusalem that this new situation they’d created was very dangerous, and leading to ‘unprecedented’ crowding – they totally ignored him, and let the inevitable tragedy occur.

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So you tell me:

Was this an accident, or was it pre-meditated murder?

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God.

I’m so sick of the evil people running this country, and ruining this world.

I’m so sick of their evil, murderous vendetta against religious Jews and authentic Judaism.

Tatty, please.

I have no idea how this is going to affect my kid, and the other teen in my house that witnessed it first hand, and I’m already worrying about that.

It’s enough already.

Please turn all this horrible suffering around for the good, now.

We can’t take it any more.

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UPDATE:

More facts are coming out, that show the police deliberately created the situation that led to the carnage.

The only question is whether it’s manslaughter or pre-meditated murder.

See THIS:

“More than one person recounted that they saw police block off one end of the passageway to prevent further crowding. The fatal result was that the people inside the passageway were crushed to death….

“…One witness from Beit Shemesh recounted incriminating information about the police in a radio interview:

The whole time there were people passing through and everything was going smoothly. Suddenly there was terrible crowding. I looked up and saw five police officers who were simply standing there and stopping people from passing.

“People begged, cried, screamed that they’re going to die, that they can’t breathe, but they didn’t open the passageway. Children were fainting in their parents’ arms. When the police finally allowed people through, everyone collapsed one on top of the other.”

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It’s very hard to explain this as just ‘negligence’.

You don’t block exits, and refuse to let people out of confined spaces, and threaten them with pepper spray if you’re trying to ‘prevent overcrowding’.

My daughter told me more details of what was going on that are very hard to explain or justify, in terms of how you would manage a situation if you were trying to save people’s lives, and not just trying to add to the crush and the confusion.

Like, for example, the police ordering all of the pilgrims to leave the Kever, all at once, and to head towards the exits, all at once.

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This was not just the tragedy of ‘Toldos Aharon’.

They are starting to release the names, and so far, each person has belonged to a different community, a different city – even a different country.

This was mamash the tragedy of all of Am Yisrael.

And from the ashes of this very bitter L’Ag B’Omer, our nation will rise with renewed strength, with renewed achdut, and with a renewed determination to finally ‘destroy the evil within our midst’ once and for all.

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UPDATE #2: VIDEO OF POLICE BLOCKING THE EXIT IN MERON

This video is already being flagged as ‘inappropriate’ – the first stage to them trying to remove it. So, if you can’t view it on Youtube, below, I’m also uploading it straight on the site.

It’s very upsetting, to see how the police caused this situation to happen, be warned.

But we can’t duck the truth. We have to face it head on – because otherwise, they will just keep doing what they are doing to religious Jews in Israel.

And I don’t want to see any more people being killed.

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UPDATE #4: THIS IS WHAT THEY WERE AIMING AT, ALL ALONG:

“We need to close the holy site and limit the number of people.”

The State of Israel is waging an all-out war against religious Jews, and our beliefs and practices.

It’s going after everything holy.

But from all this, something very good is going to sprout.

Soon.

====

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Today, I went for a walk around downtown Jerusalem for the first time in really a year.

I thought it was going to be so nice…. so amazing… so uplifting…. so fun.

I haven’t been for a walk like that around Jerusalem, without worrying about getting into arguments or fines for not wearing a mask outside, for literally a year.

The weather was perfect – sunny but not too hot.

I woke up early, popped off to the Kotel as part of my morning hitbodedut – which thank God is looking SO much free-er and almost normal – then decided to spend today window shopping in Jerusalem.

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I walked down there.

Perfect weather, nice walk.

I walked into a few of my old favorite shops – that haven’t closed down – and even bought some art stuff and a couple of dresses.

But.

Something is totally missing from the picture.

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I waited a year to do that walk, that way, with no masks (outside…), no worrying about police, no glaring at strangers on the street, or being glared back at, no tensing for big arguments with poor, delusional psychos who can’t think for themselves.

But when I got it today, it felt strangely flat.

So flat, that I cut it short, and called up my daughter to come pick me up.

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While I’m sitting by the side of the street, waiting for her to come, I call a good friend of mine.

She told me she’s feeling totally depleted, and also has no idea what her path is meant to be in the world.

Man, I can relate.

Last Thursday, I’d reached the end of my ‘carer of last resort’ rope, and was going nuts.

What does that mean, ‘carer of last resort’?

It means you are the person who washes up even when you don’t want to. Who cooks and grocery shops, even when you’ve had enough. Who hangs washing…. and more washing… and more washing…. even when the very last thing you want to do is hang up more washing.

But with Covid 1984 raging all year, and kids and husband underfoot way more than is normal or healthy, and non-stop demands on my time to keep on caring, even though my supply of ‘caring’ at an almost all-time low….

Well.

Last Thursday I just had to stop caring for a couple of days.

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Baruch Hashem, God arranged for my kids to go out for Shabbat, so I could keep the food super basic, and spend a good chunk of time just talking to God.

By myself.

Without worrying about the dishes in the sink, or the state of mind of my offspring, or sweeping the floor, or any of that stuff.

I could just BE, and talk to God.

It was just what I needed.

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So, back to Jerusalem, and today.

I think my trip out showed me that even though so much in Israel appears to have returned to ‘normal’ – whatever that means – really?

It’s totally changed.

The ‘buzz’ I used to get off the gashmius has gone. I shopped because I needed clothes. I walked because I need the exercise. I bought meat because we need to eat.

But none of those things are enlivening me, the way they used to in the past.

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My kids and their friends are also experiencing something similar, on their level.

Mahane Yehuda used to be a favorite past-time for them – they used to hang out there in the evening 3, 4 and even 5 nights a week.

Now?

They barely go once a week, and even, they aren’t really enjoying it very much and come home way earlier than they used to.

Ditto, with parties in the forest, and long days spent up north by some river.

It all sounds fun and amazing and just what you want to be doing.

But when you actually do it….

….it’s so flat.

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Like you, I feel so up in the air at the moment.

I don’t know what any of this means any more.

I don’t know what God wants from me.

I’m trying to hang on to my prayers, my hitbodedut, my religious observance, my mitzvot, as much as possible.

I don’t feel miserable.

I just feel so flat, and one-dimensional.

But kind of happy in that mode, at the moment.

At least for now.

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I guess, when God is ready, He’ll show me what He wants me to work on, to change, to do next.

But in the meantime, it’s the same message I got when I was stressed out of my head in Uman, for 3 weeks leading into Rosh Hashana 5781:

Just BE.

Just sit and BE.

For I am Hashem.

And Hashem has all this covered, one way or another.

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Two week’s back, one of the teenagers who live in my house took their three legged dog for a walk in the glen close to us, overlooking Har Habayit.

They also took their Ninjitsu practise sword, and did some martial arts ‘training’.

While he was there, an older woman who was doing some Tai Chai struck up a conversation with him, and long story short, told him he didn’t know the first thing about martial arts.

She was particularly upset when he said that he was training so he’d know how to react, if an Arab terrorist tried to kill him.

I live in Israel, in Jerusalem, very close to the ‘Green Line’.

I like my neighborhood a lot, and it’s really very peaceful – but there are still a whole bunch of people who won’t step foot here, because they think it might be ‘dangerous’.

And given the amount of terror attacks that have occurred in Jerusalem even in recent years, I don’t think what he said was unreasonable.

But Mrs Peace n’ Love didn’t agree.

====

She chewed his ear off for being a violent coward who had no idea about ‘Buddha’s deeper truths’, and the young man returned to the house pretty confused by the whole encounter.

Aren’t you meant to defend yourself, if someone is trying to kill you? he asked me.

Totally, yes you are! Jews don’t go in for all that ‘turn the other cheek’ malarky.

He felt better – but also a little scared to go back to the glen, to walk his dog or practice Ninjitsu.

====

Yesterday, I went to walk the dog in that small glen – and encountered Mrs Peace n’ Love sitting hunched on her chair, ready to pounce on her next victim.

Where’s the young man? She asked me, in a very posh British accent, when she spied his three-legged dog at the end of my leash.

He’s home, I answered.

How are you related? She replied, and internally, I sighed. Because I already knew where all this was headed.

====

Mrs Peace n’Love tried a few different avenues, to try to uncover my weak spot, my achilles heel, and it looked to me like she’d almost given up, until she pulled her Ace of Spades out of her proverbial sleeve:

Are you vaccinated? She asked me, with a cunning look on her face.

Nope.

And before I could even mention that I actually had Covid months ago, and I still can’t taste or smell anything much, she was off and away, gleefully accusing me of being a ‘Covid Murderer’.

====

Lucky me, I live in a bubble of people who try hard to live life with emuna, and with a very healthy dislike of the mass media.

So this was the first time I had some old bat accusing me of being a ‘Covid Murderer’ because I was choosing not to take some experimental-gene-therapy-pretending-to-be-a-vaccine-that-even-Pfizer-says-doesn’t-stop-transmission.

Now that Mrs Peace n’Love thought she had me on the ropes, she went in for the kill:

So, you think it’s ok to go around spreading your Covid germs, and killing people, just because you don’t want to take a vaccine, do you?

I looked her straight in the eye and told her:

God decides who dies, when, from what. No-one else.

Of course, mentioning God sent Mrs Peace n’Love totally off the edge.

====

I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say that we were speaking in loud voices for at least the next 10 minutes.

Mrs Peace n’Love claims to be some sort of medical PhD who works for Hadassah hospital.

I guess I believe her – but then, it makes it even more mind-boggling that she then claimed that ‘no-one ever died’ from things like the rhinovirus, or from a million one other diseases, that are all being happily transmitted between human beings all over the planet, all the time.

Are you honestly telling me that you never ‘infected’ someone else with the flu, or with a cold? I asked her incredulously, when she was trying to argue that Covid-19 was in a totally different box from influenza.

If you infected someone with flu or with a cold, you are potentially just as much a ‘murderer’ as you are accusing me of being….

She really didn’t like that.

According to her, she’s NEVER infected anyone with flu.

And no-one ever dies from exposure to the Rhinovirus (i.e. the common cold), so even if she did infect someone with that – big whoop.

(But of course, they do – go take a look at THIS research paper, amongst many others.)

====

Go and learn some real science, she snapped at me, with maximum disdain, before telling me exactly what she thought of ‘Covid Murderers’ like me.

There’s a Buddhist saying about people like you, she told me glaring, that if you see Buddha coming on the road, you say ‘kill him!’

I agreed, that this saying fit me perfectly.

Can I tell you what I think about you now? I asked, when she was done.

First she said no… but then, she realised that would show weakness, so she changed her mind.

All of this is just projection. The whole world is just a mirror. You preach a lot of peace, but really, you spew out a lot of violence.

She proceeded to prove me wrong by cussing me out for a full minute, with every swear word she had. (She has a lot.)

====

I’ll bring you the research paper about the Rhinovirus killing people, I called over my shoulder as I walked away.

I have it here now, printed off next to my computer, for the next time I see Mrs Peace n’Love in the wooded glen.

====

When I got home, I pondered about Mrs Peace n’Love.

I thought about how lonely she must be, that she spends so much time perched on a stool in a wooded glen, just waiting to pick pointless fights with total strangers.

Poor woman.

She’s suffering tremendously.

I hope God will open her heart, and help her to leave her fake path of ‘peace n’love’ for some real acceptance, emuna and inner peace.

But if He doesn’t – well.

It’s going to take more than knowing Tai Chai to help her.

====

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There is so much going on behind the scenes at the moment.

In case you are wondering why I’ve slowed down posting, a little, at the moment – it’s because I am working on so many different strands of research, ‘behind the scenes’ that it’s hard to know what to focus on next.

I am tripping over facts and information that is literally changing everything I thought I knew about ‘Real Jewish History’, especially from the last 400 years on.

Like:

Shabtai Tzvi was NOT some nobody-crazy-person from Salonika who managed to con the whole Jewish world into believing in him.

Really, he was a massive Rabbi – a highly-respected Torah scholar and halachic decisor from what is now part of Eastern Europe.

And we are still quoting a lot of his Torah and halachic ideas, using his real name and real persona.

====

Why and how was it so easy to hide all this, for the last 400 years?

The short answer is: because ‘Shabtai Tzvi’ was descended from a long line of famous Torah scholars, the family he belongs to is one of the most ‘connected’ (and honestly, disturbing…) families in the Jewish world, and pretty much every big rabbi you care to mention is related to him by birth of marriage, one way or another.

These are big claims, I know.

But I’m sitting here patiently piecing the information together to prove them – and it’s very tedious and time-consuming work.

Behind the scenes.

====

Connected to this, is another vein of research related to ‘xtian Jews’ – crypto-Jews who were senior ‘rabbis’ in the Jewish community, but who had a whole other identity as converted xtians, court Jews and even archbishops, in the non-Jewish world.

Again, I keep tripping over so many examples of this, and always, they are connected to same small number of ‘elite’, apparently-Jewish-with-wonderful-yichus families.

The same families that have effectively stitched-up all the positions of power and influence in the Jewish world for at least the last 600 years, and probably, way before that too.

This is the line of research that actually led to the ‘breakthrough’ piece of information that unlocked the real identity of Shabtai Tzvi.

Behind the scenes.

====

Then, there’s all the stuff with the eugenics agenda in the proto State of Israel, and how that is still affecting us today.

I will probably try to post something about that next, due to a plea from a reader for more information.

It’s not pinned down enough, really, to draw firm conclusions, but they asked me to put it out there anyway, so I will probably comply.

Because everything is a ‘message’ from God, and it seems to me that God wants whatever information I have already collated on this topic to be freely available now, while it’s still kinda half-baked.

====

Behind the scenes, I’m starting to feel that so much is moving and changing – in a good way.

The Rav is back out of prison, and in ‘house arrest’ in a better location.

As he moves out of incarceration, the rest of the world will follow him, starting with Israel.

Behind the scenes, something big is happening.

I can feel it.

And if you stop and think about it for a moment, I think maybe you’ll be able to pick that up, too.

====

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The last few weeks, I’ve been finding it really hard to talk to God.

I’m still doing it, for an hour a day, but I can’t remember a time when doing hitbodedut was coming so hard.

Not even in the middle of a lot of tremendous suffering, on the personal level, have I found it this hard, for this long, to talk to God.

Usually when this happens, I know why:

I’m angry at Him.

And when you’re angry at someone, it’s hard to speak to them.

====

This morning, I was trying to drill down a bit more, to figure out what, exactly, I’m angry about.

Because honestly?

My own life is about the best it’s ever been right now, on so many levels.

And yet I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning, and I’m struggling to cook, and I’m struggling to do anything except really just stay in my pyjamas and hibernate. I’m acting as though I’m depressed – although I don’t feel depressed, and believe me, I spent enough time in my life feeling depressed to be able to make that distinction.

So, what’s going on?

====

That’s what I was trying to figure out this morning.

And here’s kind of where I got to.

I think I have a very big case of serious yeoush about what’s going on. Yeoush means despair, for those who don’t speak Hebrew.

I think everyone has their own personal package of yeoush going on right now, but for me, it’s based around the feeling I have that no-one really wants to hear what I have to say.

That kind of got underlined with this whole Covid plandemic.

I’ve spent hours and hours and hours carefully researching things, carefully piecing information together, carefully writing posts here, to try to warn people that things really may not be as they seem, and to encourage them to think for themselves.

But most people really just don’t want to hear.

====

And then, once I realised that, I also realised that this is kind of the story of my life.

Last week, I unexpectedly ended up in Caesarea with my husband. Long story short, he really needed the toilet, and we knew where there were public bathrooms in Caesarea, so that’s where we headed.

Our best friends used to live in Caesarea, so we know the place really well. But we haven’t been back for a couple of years, because our former best friends went through a truly awful divorce, and the place is now synonymous (for me…) with a lot of sadness and heartache.

For years, I was begging my friend to start really praying about her husband’s bad middot. For years, I was having discussions with the husband himself, about things that needed some attention – not least, his very unhealthy relationship with his parents.

I wrote about that HERE.

Long story short, his parents basically ruined his marriage, and then her parents basically ruined the divorce.

====

How different things could have been, if they’d both been talking to God and working on their bad middot, and going to Uman, and trying to learn more of Rebbe Nachman’s advice.

Instead, where that family used to be there is now a jagged crater.

And if I’m still feeling it so hard, a couple of years after it imploded, I can’t imagine how my friends and their children must be feeling about it all.

====

Two days ago, I gave a lift to someone who has cancer.

She was moving out of Jerusalem for 3 months, to go somewhere for treatment, and needed a ride. In the car, she was telling me a bit of her life story.

She’s a baal teshuva, married to another baal teshuva, but now in the process of trying to disentangle herself. She’s been married for two decades to a man addicted to alcohol and drugs, who has a massive anger issues.

For 20 years, she was trying to make that marriage work, but now her body is breaking down from the stress, and she can’t do it anymore.

She was telling me about her amazing ‘Rav’, who her husband is close to – and I secretly found myself getting annoyed.

What, this guy couldn’t tell her husband that his bad middot was destroying his marriage and his kids? This guy couldn’t tell the husband he needs to be doing an hour a day of talking to God? That he needs to take responsibility for his anger, instead of pretending like it’s no big deal?!

Most of all, I was upset about all these ‘rabbis’ out there who are keeping people away from the light of the Rav, Rabbi Berland.

Because I know from myself, that so many of my issues only started to resolve themselves when I finally got to the Rav, and could tap into his spiritual koach to really start overcoming my own anger issues, and self-righteousness, and black-and-white thinking.

Until that happened, I was also destroying my children with my own two hands.

All with the best of intentions, of course.

====

But who wants to listen to this?

No-one.

====

Last week, I tried to do a mind-map, to set out goals and aspirations for the next few months.

In the past, I used to do a lot of mind-maps, and I used to get a lot of things done, as a result.

This time around, I wrote down a few headings, and waited for some ideas and inspiration to show up.

Man, it was painful.

I sat looking at the heading called ‘Books I want to write’ for around 5 minutes, until I found myself scrawling this underneath it:

There is no point writing any more books. No-one will read them.

And much as I wish that wasn’t true, I know it is.

====

So here I sit, with all this yeoush, feeling like the world of lies has kind of won, at least, in my dalet amot.

I know that ‘the troof’ isn’t always what God wants to be told.

I also know that God’s seal is truth, and that for as long as we’re telling ourselves and others lies, we are stuck in a sick world, with apparently ‘unsolvable’ problems.

I’m kind of stuck on the horns of a furious dilemma, as so much of what I’m researching, and so much of what interests me, and so much of what I want to share is a ‘truth’ that no-one wants to hear.

And it’s been that way for years.

====

Man, I’m feeling sad writing this.

I know, you probably don’t want to be reading it.

What can I do?

My blog is kind of my last sanctuary, the place where I promised myself to tell the truth, even when it’s painful, even when it reveals me in less than glowing colours – and even when people don’t want to hear it.

Ahh, God.

This world of lies is killing me.

But it seems that ‘the world of truth’ is a very lonely place to hang out in.

====

UPDATE:

First, thanks to everyone who took the time to write or call me after reading this (and also those that didn’t, but had the thought that at least in theory, they would have wanted to reach out.)

I really appreciated your chizzuk, and it reminded me that I’m not alone in all this.

There are so many people like ‘us’ out there, but it seems we’re mostly distanced apart, spread evenly around the globe, as part of Rabbenu’s ‘grid system’, to make sure he’s got the whole world covered with someone who is connected to Rebbe Nachman and the Rav, and trying to get to the truth.

That by itself brought so much comfort – to have all these insightful people sharing their own wisdom, and their own chizzuk and their own emuna.

Thank you!

BH, I am getting back on the horse now.

One of my friends told me that expecting instant results from all this is ridiculous (I’m paraphrasing) and the point is to write for God, and not to write for egotistical reasons and self-gratification.

She’s right.

But sometimes (often…), that’s hard.

But since when was anything truly meaningful in life easy?

Exactly.

====

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I just had a long post written to go up… but now it’s disappeared.

I’ve just switched servers, to stop hacking attempts on my blog, BH, so there may be some teething issues while the blog settles down in its new home.

Like, I had a whole post about how I went up to do some praying in Meron yesterday night with my husband, in response to a call from a ‘hidden tzaddik’ who said there are some very harsh judgments looming again.

I won’t rehash everything I wrote – too tired to do it all again today – but here’s the short version:

====

  1. There are very harsh judgements on the horizon again, and many of us can already feel that – that’s why we can’t sleep, have migraines, feel generally yucky, and / or stressed out of our eyeballs.
  2. Yesterday, a busload of Shuvu Banim hidden tzaddikim – just the regular guys there – travelled up to Meron to pray literally all night, that these judgments should be sweetened. (See the video below).
  3. Me and my husband also went up, so my husband could join them for an hour, while I tried to sleep in the car, as I was still feeling so yucky.

Long story short, even though I was asleep, I knew when that Shuvu Banim bus showed up, because the song ‘Uman Rosh Hashana’ started playing in my head, I got weird goosebumps down my back, I felt Rebbe Nachman had just joined the prayer gathering – and most telling of all, I suddenly started to feel way, way better and happier.

====

Long story even shorter:

Something big got sweetened yesterday in Meron, thanks to the mesirut nefesh of a coachload of Shuvu Banim guys, who dropped everything on a Thursday evening to spend the whole night awake praying at Meron.

That’s who Shuvu Banim really are, not all those horrible ‘knocking’ stories in the media.

That same media who have been feeding you lies non-stop about ‘Covid 19’ and ‘vaccines’ and all the rest of it.

====

It’s amazing to me that so many people here in Israel are acting like we’ve returned to ‘Disneyland’, now they’ve been vaxxed up to the eyeballs with an experimental gene therapy with unknown side affects.

Me, I’ve been feeling all week that we are still very much in the middle of the war, and that it’s still nowhere near the stage where we can relax and tell ourselves it’s been won.

They put the Rav back in prison.

The forces of evil are still kicking, hard.

The Rav – and the world, generally -still needs our prayers, our efforts, our yearning for moshiach and geula the sweet way.

====

I know it’s hard to pray, believe me.

I am currently averaging one tikkun haklali a week, where I spent the last 5 years doing around 3 a day.

But every tiny bit we do now makes so, so much difference in shemayim, precisely because it’s so very hard to do anything.

So, gird your loins!

This shabbat, try to say at least one tikkun haklali, try to do at least 10 minutes of hitbodedut.

It all counts, it can all tip the balance at this crucial time.

====

Rebbe Nachman told us a parable, where he explained how the previous generations had really fought most of the battle for us. They stormed the citadel, they broke down the walls, they scaled the ladders to the top of the ramparts.

All that is left for us to do is break through a few ‘cobwebs’.

That’s it.

It’s plenty hard enough, I know.

But all this is just cobwebs.

So dust off your tikkun haklali, and let’s try to blast through them.

Because geula is on the other side of those cobwebs – and not just ‘geula’ stam. We are begging Hashem to bring geula the sweet way.

====

PS: These guys from Shuvu only got back to Jerusalem an hour ago – 12 midday.

There is no-one else like them, ashreichem, that they are close to the Rav – and also trying to follow his path.

====

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I woke up today feeling pretty sad.

I guess it’s finally sinking in that millions of my fellow Jews, my fellow human beings, have been totally sold down the river with this whole, evil Covid scam.

So many of my kids’ friends have had this Pfizer ‘vaccine’ that really isn’t.

So much of my family, both in Israel and abroad.

Some of my extended family members even lied and said they were social workers, so they could jump the queue to get ‘vaccinated’ in the UK.

All this is making me very sad.

====

If I forget that God is really running the world, and that He can choose to turn all this around for the best, then the sadness is overwhelming.

All those people who say ‘we followed daat Torah in temimut, nothing bad can happen to us’ – do you know how many people followed daat Torah (“quote marks”) who told them it was OK to stay in Europe, to stay in Hungary, during World War II?

====

I was talking to my husband about this today, and he told me a couple of things that really helped me cheer up, at least enough to get on with making Shabbat.

  1. He told me that now we are back in Eretz Yisrael, the hashgacha pratit, the Divine oversight of what’s going on is totally miraculous. God could have wiped the whole of Israel out 60 times over, already. We’ve had so many wars with miraculous outcomes, already.

Every second here is a miracle, already, Pfizer shot or not Pfizer shot, and if God wanted us all dead, He could have arranged that a long time ago.

====

2. The second thing he told me is that today, we also have the Rav, Rav Berland.

The Rav has been busy sweetening things behind the scenes the last couple of decades, already.

So many things have already not gone to ‘plan’ for the forces of evil, there is good reason to feel more optimistic about the future in Israel, than I currently do.

====

I’m still really sad.

I still just feel like crying my eyes out about what’s gone on here.

But, I have to make the effort, spiritually, to remember that God is all there is, and that everything CAN be turned around for the good in a second.

God is only good.

====

And God is all there is.

BH, He’ll come and rescue us from all this evil and madness soon.

====

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That’s the real test that’s going on right now, whatever side of this ‘vaxx’ debate you stand on.

I wanted to write this for a few days, as I’ve been reading more and more ‘scary stories’ coming out of alternative sources about the potential for these mRNA gene therapy pretend-vaccines to create ‘super bugs’ that no immune system can stand up to.

In other words, that people who are ‘vaccinated’ will become the most powerful source of illness and disease in the world, God forbid.

I have no idea if that’s true.

Is it possible?

In theory, yes.

But, if I’ve learnt one thing over the last few years, it’s that we can’t see round corners, as much as we try.

And we actually don’t really know what’s going on, because so much of the information required to ‘know’ is being hidden from us, on every level.

====

So what’s the real test that’s going on here?

Clearly, it’s not to ‘know’ everything, and to make the ‘right decision’ about whether to take the experimental gene therapy with unknown side effects that so many people decided to take, thanks to media lies and misinformation, and pressure from the government, workplaces and socially.

Personally, that just didn’t sound appealing, but I can certainly understand those people who had so much anxiety, they felt they just had to do it, to have some peace from themselves.

And I can understand those people who already bought into flu vaccines taking the ‘Covid’ shot, because no-one tole them it’s actually something totally different, and not just a ‘traditional’ vaccine, reconfigured for Covid.

I can understand people who decided to take the shot because they were pressured by family, or fearing that they wouldn’t be able to work anymore, if they didn’t.

And I hope, that at least some of those people can understand my very real concerns and objections to being forced to take this experimental ‘gene’ therapy with undisclosed ingredients and side effects.

====

Because, THAT is the real test that is going on here.

Hashem has now engineered a world where the truth is so hidden, so covered over by lies, on so many different levels, that an honest person has to put their hand up and admit:

I really have no idea what is actually going on.

Maybe, as more truth comes out about what is really going on, the pendulum going to swing, and then all of a sudden the ‘vaccinated’ will be treated like dangerous pariahs, and that’s part of why there has been this massive push to vaccinate all of Israel?

If something like that happens, and the shoe is on the other foot, is the ‘anti-vax’ crowd suddenly going to demand that ‘vaccinated’ people are kept away from society, locked up and prevented from having human rights?

You see, how easily all this could turn around?

====

So the test right now is simply to treat ‘the other’ the way we ourselves would like to be treated.

Whatever side of the equation we happen to be on.

And even assuming that we are 100% ‘right’ and the other guy is 100% ‘wrong’.

Even so, to empathise with that other person’s humanity, their soul, and to not totally denigrate and rubbish them for not thinking the way we do about things.

That is the main test right now, to have empathy:

empathy ĕm′pə-thē

  • n.
    The ability to identify with or understand another’s situation or feelings

====

You remember that horrible woman that slapped my daughter in the face, for not wearing a mask?

I was hating her guts, until I tried very hard in my hitbodedut to try to put myself in her shoes, and to understand that she was probably totally petrified and overwhelmingly anxious.

That doesn’t excuse her behavior.

But, it did mean that I could stop hating her, and I could forgive her for being a MSM-believing retard.

(And all that didn’t come so easy, btw.)

But I know it’s the test right now.

====

To keep doing the birur, to keep searching for truth, to keep trying to hold by it – but not to passul others who for whatever reasons, just can’t stick to ‘truth’ in their own lives.

With one caveat:

As long as that other person isn’t try to force ME to do things that are against my own best interest.

Because as soon as someone else is trying to control me with their fears, their propaganda, their bullying, their coercion – they are on the wrong side of the argument, spiritually, whatever else they are standing for.

====

Free choice is sacrosanct.

It’s the whole reason God make the world.

====

You believe in masks, in gene-therapy-pretend-vaccines, in the medical establishment – good for you!

But I have a God-given right to NOT.

And you have to respect that.

And vice-versa.

You don’t believe in masks, in gene-therapy-pretend-vaccines, in the medical establishment – good for you!

But others have a right to YES, believe in all that.

And we have to respect that.

====

Over half my extended family is cheerfully and enthusiastically ‘vaccinated’ already.

I worry about that, I really do.

But I’m not about to start pressuring them, even if I could, or ostracising them, or writing them bullying WhatsApp messages about what damage they are doing to the world with their choices.

I still love them.

I still want the best for them.

I still understand that given who they are, and where they are holding, they felt that getting ‘the shot’ was the best option for them.

I don’t agree – but I totally respect their decision.

And now, we will just drop the subject, and we’ll wait to see whose version of ‘the truth’ turns out to be more accurate.

====

Maybe, I’m wrong, who knows?

Maybe they are.

We will all have to deal with the consequences of our choices, whatever they turn out to be.

But in the meantime, I’m going to do my best to keep my love for others who have chosen a different past, and my respect for their basic humanity, going.

Because that is what I would want them to do for me, if it turns out I’m the one who made a mistake.

And that is how we can all pass this test.

Really.

====

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Lots of us seem to be asking the same question at the moment.

And it’s this:

Why has God let all the evil people run the show for so very long?

Why has He let evil flourish in the world for all these years?

It’s not an easy question to answer.

====

Last week, I had a very powerful dream.

I was in some ‘facility’ where they torture children and other people – probably Montauk, in Long Island.

I was being shown around, and they were describing all the yucky things they do to render people without a conscience, and therefore capable of the worst cruelty.

Strangely, when I woke up, I didn’t feel scared to death, like I usually do when I have these ‘brushes with evil’ in my dreams.

But I did feel, with every atom of my being, that this evil needed to stop. NOW.

So I spent the next few minutes just praying this prayer, over and over again:

God, please destroy the evil in the world to its very foundations.

====

Friday night, one of my kids had a massive meltdown.

She just started sobbing her eyes out about how there is so much evil in the world, that God must be a bit ‘evil’ Himself, to let all this happen.

I tried to shut her up, initially – we don’t question God! We don’t suggest God is anything but totally, 100% good!

But once the dust settled, I realised that she was just expressing the same question I have at the moment, about why God has allowed evil to rule the world for so very long.

====

I believe it’s for a good reason.

But that doesn’t mean that I can understand what’s going on here – at all.

The more I look into things, the more lies I discover.

The more I learn about how the world is really working, the more I understand that it is built on a pre-determined plan for war, starvation, suffering and abuse of human beings.

How can God want such a world as this to continue?

How could He let such a world like this devolve in the first place?

====

I know many of us are having the same sorts of questions bubbling up at the moment.

Sometimes, it’s just so very hard to keep hanging on to faith and emuna, even though I KNOW that’s the only path that’s going to get me through this in one piece, whatever happens next.

====

Increasingly, I’m finding it hard to tolerate the mask fascism.

The last few days, I have snapped at 2 different shopworkers who told me to put my mask up.

It’s a problem, because I am getting to the stage where I just can’t do it anymore.

And if I need to do it to continue to buy my groceries… well.

It’s a problem that I don’t know how to solve.

====

Now, the State of Israel is attempting to coerce me into getting ‘vaccinated’ by all these little ‘rules’ that are taking away my basic human rights.

This week, for the first time in months, we went out for supper, to give me a rest from cooking every single day.

We didn’t have the ‘green passport’ – such Orwellian descriptions! – so we were told we had to sit outside at the two tables reserved for ‘Coronavirus lepers’.

My daughter was with is, and she started to whisper to us: Now I’m starting to understand how it was for the Jews in the holocaust, when they had to wear their yellow stars.

I wish it was a joke, an exaggeration, a dramatic teenage turn of phrase.

But the truth is, I’m also starting to understand how it was for the Jews in the holocaust, when they had to wear their yellow stars.

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At the same time, this battle is 100% mental.

Because yesterday, I took the Jimny out with a friend of mine to a forest near Jerusalem, and we sat playing our guitars (badly…) in the sun for an hour.

And then later on, my husband and I went to the Kotel to join the small prayer gathering for the Rav (of course, with the cr*ppy masks and plastic waiting pens.)

And then yesterday night, some of the juvenile delinquents we are acquainted with invited us to come to a party they were throwing, to celebrate one of their friends getting out of the army.

I sat there sipping a bitter lemon in a glass bottle (trying to fool the crowd that it was something alcoholic) and watched all the chain-smoking young people with weird haircuts just enjoy themselves a little, BBQing steaks under a cloudless Jerusalem night sky.

All so normal….

Kind of.

One of the neighbors called the police because of the music (I guess they didn’t like 80s soft rock) – and then everyone rushed to ‘mask up’.

In the end, the police just gave a small fine for playing loud music at 11.30 at night, and then left.

====

I came home so disorientated.

Am I living in a corona-fascist police state that’s trying to institute a secret eugenics agenda to get rid of ‘surplus people‘, or not?

Or is everything ‘back to normal-ish’ now, and I can forget about Moshiach and geula coming any time soon?

And if it’s the former, that’s really, really horrible and I can’t deal with it any more.

And if it’s the latter – am I bad for feeling some relief that maybe the madness of the last year is starting to recede?

Even if that’s pushing ‘Moshiach’ off again, another 200 years?

====

It was easier, in some ways, when I had no choice except to stay at home, in the first lockdown.

Living half in and half out of the madness, as it’s been for almost a year now, is probably harder, psychologically, then just having a more stable ‘bad’ to deal with.

Every day, the goalposts change again.

Every day, I wake up in a world where I have no idea what’s coming next, good or bad, or how I’m meant to be reacting to it.

But this I know:

I want the evil to be destroyed, totally, NOW.

I don’t want God to wait any more, to be hidden any more. That’s my dream, that’s my prayer.

I want that evil destroyed ASAP.

And I’m really hoping, God does too.

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UPDATE:

This song from Yair Elitzur kind of also sums it up:

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