Monday morning, I headed up North for a short holiday with my family.
We try to go for two nights up North as a family every year, and I told my kids and husband two weeks ago yalla! The mask-wearing crazies are gearing up again, so let’s go straight after Tisha B’av this year, to make sure we actually get a break!
So that’s what we did.
We stayed in a yurt in a yishuv mamash in the middle of green nowhere, surrounded by Druze villages, where the birds and the bees were by far the loudest things you could hear most of the time.
Yesterday, we did a big bonfire, and as the logs burnt, I spent an hour just stirring the embers (my speciality….) and having a chat with God.
The holiday was pretty good, as these things go.
But I still have so much heartache.
We’ve had ‘covid-itis’ collectively for a year and a half – and I really don’t see that many people waking up, even now.
Even now, most of the people I know are still totally brainwashed about how the world really works, and who is behind the wheel.
Even now, most of the people I know still think that the world is ‘going back to normal’, once this Delta variant gets dealt with; once there’s peace in the Middle East; once Biden is overthrown by an ever-glorious Trump, back from the political dead.
So many people are walking around with their eyes screwed tightly shut, trying to ignore all the big, red, flashing lights all over the place that SOMETHING MASSIVE HAS TO CHANGE VERY SOON.
Both internally and externally.
The world of truth is not an optional extra for the part of this process towards redemption, it’s really all there is.
The last few weeks, I’ve been feeling like the list of people I can really speak to about a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g has been getting shorter and shorter.
Most of the people I know – even the best people I know, who are really smart, and who I really like a lot, and who are mostly very sincere about trying to give God what He wants – just shut down when I start talking about anything that goes against their programming.
I.e., pretty much anything that comes out of my mouth, these days.
Man, those Frankist Frobelian Freemason early educators have done a FABULOUS job of brainwashing the world, and making the modern human brain one of the narrowest spaces in the universe.
Fine, no-one has to agree that the world might not be spherical – but at least consider the possibility for 2 seconds, without feeling like you are going to throw up.
And the same is true for conversations about Covid nanotech, that I pretty much just try to avoid in real life now, as so many people I know got ‘the jab’, and the people who didn’t are also careful to avoid that topic, due to ‘blowback’.
There’s only so many times you can have the same arguments with people who think YOU are the crazy one, for not trusting that experimental nanotech gene therapy is 100% the best way to deal with what is essentially a medium-severe flu.
I’m so bored of this topic myself now, I can’t even be bothered to keep trying to puncture all the obvious propaganda on the Jpost website.
Yalla, do whatever stupid thing you are going to do; believe whatever lying journalist and politician and corrupt ‘medical spokesman’ you are going to believe. I don’t care any more.
Except of course, that’s a lie.
I care a great deal.
That’s why sometimes, this big wodge of tears rises up to my throat and catches me unawares, even a few times a day, until I swallow it back.
What’s the point of crying over this, any more?
What more am I meant to write? What more am I meant to say?
Everyone is going ‘back to normal’, and I already know that means we are going to get some massive, shocking, additional wake-up call, probably very soon.
A good friend of mine told me that there was meant to have been another etz ratzon for Moshiach to have come motzae Tisha B’av, but it was ‘cancelled’.
Yalla, enough with all these cancelled etz ratzons for Moshiach to come already!!!!!
I told her.
I can’t do that anymore! I can’t sit here waiting for these ‘geula deadlines’ to keep coming – only to not pan out again. My emuna is just not strong enough to keep doing that, and to deal with the disappointment!
Does this mean I have giving up on Moshiach and geula coming?
No, not at all.
What it does mean, however, is that I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANOTHER PRONOUNCEMENT, ANOTHER DATE, ANOTHER FALSE PROPHECY ABOUT WHEN MOSHIACH IS COMING.
I think at this stage it’s a big distraction from the yetzer hara, to take me away from all the work I still have to do on my bad middot and my lack of emuna that all this is really good, and for my best.
Baruch Hashem, compared to so many people, my life is really good right now.
Sure, I still have my share of heartaches, and a big bunch of things marked ‘massive disappointments’.
But fundamentally, the Rav’s brachot are continuing to kick in, and life is broadly very good.
And at the same time, I can’t do this any more.
I’m so sick of the real conversations I just can’t have with most people these days, without tripping over one of their ‘hot buttons’ (or mine….)
You seriously get to a stage where you start questioning your own sanity, because how come no-one else seems to be noticing that the world as we know it is just so wrong, and nonsensical, and obviously fake?
And that’s why I think that even though some people have woken up, it’s not enough to mitigate ‘the next thing’.
I don’t know what or when it might be, but I do know that the world of truth is going to come crashing down into most people’s lives like a wrecking ball, very soon.
The more we hold on to the lies we are telling ourselves – about everything – the more painful that’s going to be.
The world of truth is so beautiful.
It solves so many issues so simply.
It gives you clarity and hope like nothing else can.
But it’s going to turn our current existence totally on its head.
I’m bouncing along the bottom here, that weirdo conspiracy theorist that even my husband and kids thinks is a little ‘crayzee’.
Life is good.
And at the same time, it’s so very bad.
Life is comfortable, and at the same time so very painful, deep down, where all that secret heartache swims about.
How can I hold on, for the next part of this geula process?
How can God wake people up, but keep things ‘normal’ and not shockingly horrific?
I really don’t know.
It seems to me He can’t.
But what do I know.
The bit I forgot to mention is that they said Moshiach isn’t going to come now, motzae Tisha B’Av, because Am Yisrael doesn’t really want the redemption enough.
That’s the bit that stung me, really, because we can all see that it’s true.
And so, that means that things will have to deteriorate more, until Am Yisrael DOES want the redemption enough for it to happen.
That’s the bit I find so hard in all this.
Hasn’t the last year and a half – the last 10 years, the last 30 years on and on – been hard enough already?!
Why are we all so incredibly stubborn, literally holding out to the last second to really start to move off our marks, and to make some significant, soul-altering teshuva?
Why are we playing ‘chicken’ with God?
Don’t we know, that if we don’t move aside, make teshuva, get with the program for redemption, we are going to end up totally crushed?
In my hitbodedut, I’m really trying to understand with compassion, and to turn my anger into compassion.
I know, we are all frail human beings, me included, and that sometimes it just seems so very hard – impossible, even – to make the internal changes that are required for us to grow and move forward, spiritually.
I know so many people are operating out of a place of fear, anger, denial and depression right now.
They are stuck in ‘snake brain’, trying to switch off their anxiety with drugs – legal and illegal, netflix, work and ‘fun’.
I understand it, I really do.
I’m also going through all these tests, internally, myself.
That’s what the hour of hitbodedut is for, to face down my inner reality, to look my pain in the face, and to deal with it.
And then, to stand back up, and to carry on living, and trying and doing whatever we can to build the world.
I see so many people running from their pain, into ‘fake’ world, into ‘fake’ vaccines’, into fake fairy tales about moon landings, and happy-ever-after stories about doctors and hitech nerds figuring out how we can live forever…. as robots.
As unfeeling, unthinking robots.
Who wants to live forever – or even for 5 seconds – like that?
We have to learn how to feel our pain, without running from it, or denying it, or blaming it on others, or sinking down into black depressions.
Otherwise, we are already more than half way towards living life like an unfeeling, unthinking robot, and that is why the world is the way it is, right now.
Without hitbodedut, talking to God ideally for an hour a day, it’s impossible to do this.
And that’s why sometimes, I start to feel so frustrated and overwhelmed with this whole process.
You don’t have to believe the world isn’t spherical; or that Big Pharma is totally corrupt; or that Rav Berland is the Tzaddik HaDor.
But you DO have to be doing at least some hitbodedut every single day.
That’s the minimum required, to not go through life as a robot with a heart of stone (or silicon…), and to be open to the changes THAT HAVE TO OCCUR, for us to get to the next stage of geula.
Hitbodedut, talking to God in your own words, is a mandatory requirement for entrance into the world of truth.
Maybe, it still won’t ‘work’ they way you hoped, to give you immediate clarity and an outlet for letting the pain out, and for retrieving some feeling in our hearts other than suppressed anger, fear and sadness.
But that’s the only thing left in our hands, the only tool we have to figure this matzav out.
And we all need to be using it.