As I walked back from hearing the shofar blowing at the Beit HaRav first day Rosh Hashana, I had this feeling well up:
It’s going to be a good year.
I know that doesn’t look obvious, but on Rosh Hashana, you can catch the ‘flavor’ of the year to come, and this year there seemed to be a lot of peace and kedusha in the air.
Erev chag, I was feeling pretty anxious.
I woke up with the feeling that I’ve really not been the best Jew in 5781, and I got a bit teary about how hard it’s been to try and keep up with my yiddishkeit.
As is my custom now, I went off to the tomb of Shimon HaTzaddik to say vidui devarim – and I felt like 90% of what I was saying directly applied.
Especially all the stuff about hating other people in my heart and speaking lashon hara.
Hashem, I want to be good!!! I want to do better!!!
I want to be holy…..
I’m just really, really struggling at the moment.
I came out of Shimon HaTzaddik feeling so much better.
At home, I found out I was having three guests stay by me for chag this year – all formerly-chareidi girls from complicated families, who now ‘live’ in a girls’ dorm in Jerusalem.
They had no-where else to go for chag, so one of my kids invited them to us.
Oh, and the 15 year old thinks she’s a lesbian… Is that OK Ima?
Man, what a question to be asked Erev Rosh Hashana.
But, I’m trying to adopt an attitude of just going with the flow, and letting Hashem send the people and experiences into my life that is required for my growth and teshuva, so I double-checked with my husband, then gave the greenlight to my kid.
But they have to be respectful at the table, I told her.
Because otherwise, it’s just a disaster.
The three turned up with pierced everythings, in-your-face interesting haircuts, and the 15 year old had somehow managed to get herself tattooed already, even though it’s illegal if you’re not 18.
But to cut a long story short – it was actually fine.
A little awkward in parts, but generally OK.
I cracked open Rabbenu’s advice, and in the section on ‘Peace’ I read how true peace is achieved when two total opposites are brought together, and that this can only occur by the Tzaddik.
That me and the 15 year old wannabe-lesbian shared 4 meals together with no proverbial blood being spilt was truly an open miracle.
I walked into the Rav to hear shofar blowing both times, and for the first time ever on Rosh Hashana, I just had the feeling that I belonged somewhere.
And then I walked home, and I just had the feeling that some of the kedusha had returned to the streets of Jerusalem.
There were hardly any masks in sight, the sun was shining in a beautiful blue sky, but it wasn’t too hot.
And that feeling rose up unbidden that:
They have already lost. This whole, fake,’Covid 19′ plandemic is finished.
My husband was also davening at the Rav for most of Rosh Hashana, and he also had a good experience.
Until 5 minutes before the end of the chag, when he decided to catch ma’ariv in the local shul where we live.
The shul is pretty laid back, and most people don’t hold by the masks at all. But there is one resident ‘Mr Evil’ who likes to bully and control other people, and of course the masks is the perfect excuse to do that.
So 5 minutes before the end of Rosh Hashana, he picked a fight with my husband, who had his mask under his chin, same as 80% of the rest of the congregants.
So, the plandemic is finished, spiritually….. but the Covid bullies are probably still going to be a force to deal with for a little while longer.
At least, until the ‘vaccinations’ really start to work as they’ve been designed to.
So on balance, it was a very good Rosh Hashana.
We missed Uman a lot, particularly my husband.
And I’m still sitting here pondering on what comes next, and what I should be working towards and focussing on.
But I have a lot more optimism that something very good is on the horizon than I did this time last year.
And that all the terrible suffering and difficulties we all went through in 5781 are almost coming to an end.
At least, for those who are making some sincere teshuva, and doing their best to stick close to the true tzaddikim and to stay out of the world of lies.
We still live in interesting times, and there is still so much going on, so who really knows what’s going to happen next.
But I’m just feeling way happier about it all again now.
And that counts for a lot.
PS: Just as I was finishing this up, I got sent this via email:
You need to be honest with yourself and see how much of your day is spend worrying instead of learning the advice of Rabbenu (Rebbe Nachman).
He is the Tzaddik Hashem sent to help us specifically to find Hashem in the thickest darkness.
You must put in effort to learn his advice and apply it.
It’s very wise words.
And BH, I want to take them more to heart this year.
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