Man, I’m so utterly sick and tired of the current situation.
If it’s the birthpangs of Moshiach, then of course it’s still being radically sweetened.
But even so, the last couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling more and more exhausted by the dystopian novel that is currently life in 2021.
And I’ve been caught on the horns of a furious dilemma:
Part of me wants all the horrible ‘predictions’ about all these horrible gene therapy pretend ‘vaccines’ to start happening in real time, obviously, already, so I can finally put some of that indecision behind me, and feel ‘vindicated’ for not going down that path and not buying into the propaganda.
And then, another part of me feels so, so sad if all those horrible ‘predictions’ turn out to be true, and people start dropping like flies or suffering awful illnesses, or who knows what else.
And every part of me just wants this whole, horrible, Covid-19 c*appy situation to just go away, already.
Probably like you, I’m exhausted by everything going on.
And I’m also sick and tired of all the research I’m doing into all these fake Jews, and all this fake news, but every time I want to leave it alone…. I get a steer that it’s important, and I need to continue.
But I sometimes have yeoush from all this, because it’s such a big project, it seems it’s never going to end.
I am someone who works best in bursts of energy, even intense bursts of energy, which have a specific ‘end’ point. And this whole saga just keeps on going and going and going, like the Energizer Bunny.
I’ve kinda been hoping Moshiach would just show up by now, and get me off the hook with having to keep doing all this grunt work, but so far, that hasn’t happened.
So today, I asked my husband if we could go up North, to the Kever of Rashbi, so I could try to recharge my batteries a little.
I have to tell you, the North is SO beautiful right now. It’s been a very rainy winter, and the Kinneret is the highest I’ve seen it, in the 15 years I’ve lived here.
It’s also a very deep blue colour.
And the mountains all around are sprouting grass, and weeds and spring flowers, and are just so green I almost didn’t recognise what I was looking at. I’m used to things looking brown, yellow and orange, not luscious, gorgeous green.
We went a little ‘off road’ to get to Meron, and that meant that we passed a whole bunch of Kevarim I’ve never been to before.
I felt too tired, spiritually, to really pray much today, but even so, in each place I felt I was picking up some clues about what’s going on right now, that I wrote down so I could share them with you, dear reader.
As I got a lot of chizzuk today.
Here’s where I went, and here’s the ‘clue’ I got from each place:
#1: Rabbi Kruspedai.
He was a student of Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai, and while he only has a small mention in the Gemara, he has more of a mention in the Zohar.
In each of these kevarim, there are usually a list of quotes or statements they’ve made, so you can learn some Torah in their names, that they gave over. By R’ Kruspedai, he was talking about Amalek, and how Amalek went to Bilaam for advice on how to beat Am Yisrael.
Bilaam told Amalek that because of the zchut of Avraham Avinu, they would never be able to beat the Jews, but because they also descended from Avraham (via Timna, the concubine of Elifaz, son of Esav), they could still fight them.
For me, this passage underlined how ‘Amalek’ is family, and how our true enemies really just come from ‘within’.
No-one else would have the strength or ability to take us on.
There was no ‘sayings’ of his, but there was a prayer stuck on the wall from Likutei Tefillot, asking that we be able to bind ourselves to the True Tzaddikim, so I said that instead.
Just now, I looked him up HERE, and now I can see why there were no sayings from him – he was an extremely harsh individual, who prayed that his own kids would be taken from the world, so they shouldn’t trouble their Creator, or cause other people to sin….
I guess it just goes to show, that we have to be so very careful who we choose as our ‘Rabbi’, and / or spiritual guide.
Because even if someone is holy and knows a lot of Torah, if they are stern and judgmental, that can still bring so much destruction to the world – and it seems, especially to their own families.
#3 The Idra Rabba
Here’s a brief description of ‘the Idra Rabba’, from Zissil:
The Idra Rabba is a section of the Zohar inserted into Parshas Naso where Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai gathers nine of his students to reveal Kabbalistic mysteries he had refrained from teaching until then. During the Idra three of the Sages passed away including Rabbi Yossi ben Yackov who was then buried at this location.
There are quite a few tombs there, not just Rabbi Yossi – all unmarked.
My husband opened up a copy of the Zohar, and read a passage which basically said this:
At the time that Hashem smote the Egyptians with the magefa (plague), He healed Israel.
I started to feel a little happier.
#4 Joint graves of Rabbi Bena’ah and Elchanan, the father of the Prophet Shmuel
Rabbi Bena’ah was the rabbi of R’ Yochanan, and he had some interesting things to say, including this:
Whoever occupies himself with the Torah for its own sake – his learning becomes an elixir of life to him, for it is said, ‘It is a tree of life to those who grasp it’; and it is further said, ‘It shall be as health to your navel’; and it is also said, ‘For whoever finds me, finds life’.
But, whoever occupies himself with the Torah not for its own sake – it becomes to him a deadly poison, as it is said, ‘My doctrine shall drop [ya’arof] as the rain’, and ‘arifa‘ surely means death, as it is said, ‘And they shall break [ve’arfu] the heifer’s neck there in the valley’ (Taanit 7a).
That was interesting.
But there was also another quote about R’ Bena’ah going to 24 different ‘interpreters of dreams’ when he had a dream – all of whom told him something different.
And then, all 24 of these different interpretations actually occurred to R’ Bena’ah.
Which brought home to me, again, that idea that we don’t live in a black and white world, where there is only one answer, one possibility.
The choice is not between ‘it’s all just a ridiculous conspiracy theory’ and ‘everyone is going to get sterilised, ill, or drop dead’.
There could be a million other possibilities going on here, that aren’t obvious or known or imagined, yet.
I felt a bit more happier.
#5 Rashbi – Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai
I couldn’t stay long there, because most of the people inside were wearing masks, and I am becoming increasingly allergic to the idea of wearing masks.
So I walked in, kissed the tomb, then walked out the back door to go up the hill and sit by the tomb of:
#6 Rabbi Yochanan HaSandler
A lot of the interesting people I’m researching claim descent from R’ Yochanan HaSandler, and I wanted to go there and pray for some clarity about what’s really going on.
On the bench where I sat, there was a booklet containing one of Rabbi Nachman’s Sippurey Maasiot, or ‘Stories of Ancient Times’.
It was the story of the King who decreed destruction.
You can read the whole thing HERE, starting on page 56.
I am still pondering the hint, but suffice to say it’s a story about a King who expels the Jews from his state, but some Jewish anusim (i.e. crypto-Jews) stay behind because they want to retain their money and status. One of these crypto-Jews becomes a minister to the King and saves his life when the other ministers are plotting to overthrow him.
The King then gives him the privilege of being able to wear his tallit and tefillin openly, as a Jew.
There’s a lot more things going on in that story – which ends with the destruction of the King’s descendents by fire.
I need some time to pray on it, and to mull it over a bit more, before I have more of an idea of what the ‘hint’ is really telling me.
Next stop: #6: R’ Yose of Peki’in.
He’s buried in a totally gorgeous spot in ‘the Baal Shem Tov’s Forest’, across from Tzfat.
There, we read the story of how R’ Yose had died, and how the tears and ‘argument’ of his young son with Hashem brought him back to life again, miraculously.
It was techiat hametim.
Friday night, one of my kids got very emotional, and was sobbing about how Hashem could let so much evil happen in the world.
Initially, I was trying to shut her up – because we don’t question Hashem!!!!
Except of course, we do.
And except of course, I also do, sometimes, and I also feel very upset and angry with God about all the apparently ‘bad’ things happening in the world.
I heard that story of R’ Yose’s kid, and I realised that my daughter’s tears on Friday night, and her broken heart about the state of the world, were also very precious to God.
And who knows what open miracles they might also have sparked off.
Last stop, #7: R’ Shimon Ben Menasea
His quotes included a saying about mamzerut being something ‘broken’ that can’t be fixed.
(Although the Gemara here seems to disagree, and explains that Moshiach will fix that particular problem…) and then this:
“Israel didn’t see a good sign until they asked for: 1) Malchut Shemayim, 2) King David (Moshiach) and 3) Beit HaMikdash.”
I guess that’s about as clear cut a ‘hint’ as you’re likely to get.
I’ve got a bit more energy back now, thanks to the kivrei tzaddikim.
I’m still tired, internally, I’m still confused about what exactly God wants from me right now, and how to give it to Him.
But despite all that, I’m feeling calmer and happier.
Thank God for our true Tzaddikim.
And may God help all of us to recharge our batteries, and to keep going, and keep having as much emuna as we can, to weather our current difficult circumstances.
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