So, as I mentioned this counting the omer was pretty much the craziest one I ever had
– and if you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ll know what a strong statement that is.
As the last day of the Omer drew near, I thought that maybe, just maybe, all the horrible shocks, reversals, challenges and difficulties were finally over until 5778… but God kept an ace up His sleeve this year, which I got by email the day before Shavuot:
Long story short, some rapacious lawyers in Israel are trying to sue me for 40,000 shekels!
Again, long story short, I apparently used a picture of Rav Berland I wasn’t meant to (usually I’m so careful about these things, so I have no idea how that actually happened…) and now these people want me to pay 40,000 shekels, or they’re going to take me to court.
It’s so unbelievable, it’s kind of funny.
In the meantime, I went into my eightieth massive meltdown of the month – shaky legs, complete feeling of overwhelm, crying etc etc etc.
It carried on all evening, and segued into another massive crisis of faith.
I started to doubt everything I’m doing again, and everything I’m writing, and wondering if I’m just being really, really dense, and God actually just wants me to close up the shop and move on to something different.
Or, am I having all these difficulties, non-stop, back-to-back, because I’m actually trying to do something really GOOD, and it’s just the yetzer getting in my face?
All night, I was debating it back and forth.
Maybe, I’m just not on the level to get anywhere near someone as holy as Rav Berland, and that’s why I keep getting slapped all over the place? Maybe, it’s just miniot (obstacles) to get me all demoralized and to give up, because really I AM doing some good stuff online that is making a difference, in whatever small way?
Maybe I should just go and be a gardener? Maybe I should get offline completely? Maybe I should continue and just ignore all the madness that keeps exploding all over the place?
Back and forth it went all night, and I didn’t sleep a wink, which clearly meant that I couldn’t stay up at all the next night, Shavuot, and learn anything.
I hit the bed at 11pm, completely exhausted.
So in the meantime, I’m being sued for a ton of money I don’t have, and I’m not sure what’s meant to happen next.
Over Shavuot, I sat down and read the whole book of tehillim, and tried to make some more teshuva, to try to get the madness to calm down a bit. Once the holiday was over, I trawled through both my sites, and removed any picture that I’m not 100% certain is not a commons licence, or otherwise copy-right free.
There wasn’t a lot, but there were some, particularly on spiritual self-help.
Maybe, Moshiach really is coming very soon, and God is getting me to even clean up even this small spiritual stuff, I don’t know.
Maybe it’s all just a big test of faith, and will melt into the mist again, once I get whatever message I’m meant to get from it all.
I really don’t know.