Last week, my PC got all smashed up – and I quickly followed it.
I’ve been PC-less for 5 days.
Although my husband immediately went off to buy me a new one, I left it in the box until about an hour ago, while I was figuring a few things out.
Do I want to continue writing?
Am I giving God what He really wants, with all this, and especially with all the ‘Real Jewish History’ stuff?
Is there something better, or different, that God wants me to be doing with myself, right now?
While I was pondering all that, my husband decided we needed a night away, so we went up North, near the Kinneret.
We tend to fit five days of ‘holiday’ into one, so yesterday we hired a small motorboat for half an hour; I went to the water slides, while my husband did ‘Aqua Kef’ with a bunch of chareidi teenage boys; then I sat in the hot springs with a bunch of pensioners for 20 minutes, and then we went to pray at Meron.
I’d been there since the ‘disaster’, but my husband hadn’t.
So I took him to the stairs and showed him around.
There is now a big, massive picture of all the people who died on L’ag B’omer, at the bottom of the stairs.
It’s right underneath the mounted wall camera on the side of the ‘United Hatzalah’ cabin that FOR SURE has footage of exactly who was blocking the stairs at ‘Exit 41’, how, and at what time.
United Hatzalah – why aren’t you releasing that footage to the public, to the bereaved families, who are all still looking for answers?
In the meantime, there is something very powerful going on by the stair at Meron now.
It’s sad, and heavy, and moving, and emotional, and uplifting, and bringing people together, and bring them back to God – all mixed up in one indescribable package.
I sat there for 15 minutes, firstly feeling pretty sad and down about it all again.
But then a big coach of men showed up – all sorts of men, with all sorts of kippahs on their head – and they lit tens of candles by the site.
Then, they did a siyum on a Tractate of Gemara, there by the stairs.
And then, they started to sing:
Tov l’hodot Hashem.
It is good, to thank Hashem.
Much as happened the first time around, I felt a sudden ‘shift’ in the energy – and I knew that something profound and special is currently happening to Am Yisrael.
God is bringing all the good together.
He’s melding us back into one nation, with one heart.
And those 45 didn’t die in vain.
Yesterday night, I was dreaming one name over and over again:
Long story short, he’s one of the ‘missing links’ in the Real Jewish History I’ve been trying to figure out, and once I’ve done this update, I’m off to start researching him.
I realised today:
If God wanted me to stop writing the ‘Real Jewish History’ stuff, He would stop sending me ‘clues’ like this in my dreams….
I’ve been getting a lot of ‘clues’ like this, the last couple of weeks, but that’s also why I started to feel stuck with it all again.
Because the more I find out about what was really going on, the more I want to tell you, and the more trouble I’m scared I’m going to get into, for doing that.
But if I learnt one thing this holiday, it’s that I can’t always ‘play it safe’.
The trick is to take the risks that God wants me to take, and to keep trying to figure out what the ‘voice of truth’ is really telling me.
It’s easy to write.
It’s so hard to do, in practise.
And sometimes, I feel I’m perched way, way up on a high-wire, where one wrong move is going to end in disaster.
But that’s what Rabbenu taught us.
This whole world, is a VERY narrow bridge.
And the whole point, is to not be scared.
And to not give up.
And to not stay unmoving, petrified by fear.
But to hold God’s hand, and move forward.
There are big things happening in the world, big changes aloft, but things at stake.
And I guess, at least for now, God wants me here on the blog, writing about them, even though sometimes, I get so nervous about where all this is really heading.
So I’m back.
And I have a lot of information piling up, to share with you.
If that’s really what God wants.